Here I am with all my contradictions, requiring to be bound with silken and fragile bonds, lashed tenderly, kept in absolute and fundamental freedom, yet without falling into the excess of free love. Perhaps it's time to seek for realistic concessions, find space for elasticity; otherwise my new relationship will remain a mere narration.
Oh, realistic concessions! I think that, just to begin with, I might contemplate widening the age range of my prospective search. If I do not really find older partners viable, unfitting for my purpose, what about the younger ones? Perhaps I could admit, let's say, 36-48. Men in their late thirties would open a great perspective. I remember nostalgically my husband in his late thirties. He was indeed a beautiful piece of a man, as for me at least; very suggestive, with his large, tender eyes and beautiful hands. Sometimes I feel I would like to live the same relationship again, with only slight modifications, minor corrections, without the mistakes I committed before, in the aura of a fresh beginning.
Men are splendid in their late thirties, before they get vanquished, except for the very few who win and achieve great success precisely in their forties. لكل شـيء إذا مـا تـم نقصـان, everything declines after reaching perfection, says the Andalusian poet. Or it's not like this? After all, if I'm not mistaken, which may be easily the case, I look like a woman in her late thirties.
Is this a realistic concession or a simple and common illusion?
OK, what else? Could I admit a normal, European marriage, that I've qualified, perhaps abusively, as "enslaving" in my previous post? (Yes, especially in such a quickly advancing age, I might easily discover myself in the role of someone's nurse; this is a risk that shouldn't be taken light-heatedly, not in this stage of life). Would it make a positive difference for any prospective partner of mine?
What else can I add to the deal?
There is certainly a work to do upon myself; I think about deepening my social competences, kind of stance in this new society that must differ from everything I knew and got used to. Making a little bit more charismatic figure out of myself. And achieving success in my new country. After all, I believe, it's success that attracts, the most powerful instrument of sex appeal. In truth, things never worked like this in Poland; I suppose men always found my success strongly dissuading. But Poland is not what matters any longer.
Is success erotic or antierotic in a woman? I do believe it may vary from culture to culture and from social class to social class. It is strongly dissuading in stagnant contexts; I'm ready to admit it might be among the strongest Eros-cutters that exist; it can transform the most beautiful of women into a sort of virago, a being situated totally out of the boundaries of normal sexual life. It may be seen as a gender transgression making all the usual ways of Eros impracticable. But at the same time, in dynamic contexts, for the sort of dynamic men, it is the arousing quality that make all the little hairs of the body bristle. I hope not to be mistaken about this.