I am in love. He is in love. We are in love. And the kind of love that has never happened before, could not have happened before.
Did he manage to reconquer me surreptitiously, as I was afraid? Did I somehow reconquered him myself? Or perhaps the marriage rearranged itself, like a sort of self-organising entity, reemerged out of chaos like a mathematical attractor? Spontaneously returned to its own optimum? Or rather, encountered a new optimum at a new energetic level?
I don't know what is the correct language to describe the phenomenon. Also, the coming weeks and months will show what will actually happen with it, what kind of trajectory it will assume. Be that as it may, all this is not only extremely exciting, but also enriching to live through. Giving me more and more intense sensation of transforming into a different person, of passing through such a change as I've never experienced before. To be in love in a different way, as it has never happened before, is only one of aspects.
I always imagined the 45+ life as a kind of flat line, when everything that was to happen already happened, the white-haired couple smile tenderly staring to the sea, eventually, his penis pending like a locket full of memories, her vagina like a fine, brittle roll of rose parchment. Perhaps I've just confused the decades, 45+ is not exactly 65+ or 75+. I thought it is all the same. No one told me it is not. There was no fairy tale about this.
What culture is for, if it doesn't tell us the best fairy tales, if it doesn't prepare us for the most beautiful transitions in our life? Or am I just the first of the human kind to face it?
Might it possibly be a real novelty? An option that, in terms of the cultural history of the humanity, appeared just now, with longer life, better health, a body undamaged by pregnancies and childbirths, long use of hormonal contraceptives? Brain shaped by intense intellectual activity, thinking and feeling in more than one culture, polyglot expression, frequent travels, living in a global horizon? Symbolic status that enables me to require for my pleasure what my mother, grandmother, great-grandmother would not dare, or even be able, to dream about?
Even if I compare myself with other women of my generation, it is easy to see that my habits of using of my liberty are quite unique. On this blog, I have recently seen my erotic history as a total disaster, and myself as one of the late - but unfortunately not last - victims of my country, of a culture that had lied to me about my womanhood along all my life. Perhaps this vision is not entirely correct. There has been me in it, a crucial factor, and my capacity to work through my failure, the cultural limitations imposed upon me, my personal errors and blunders.
And here I am, with what I well deserved, with my new, more passionate love, and my new, hypersensitive body, and my new, bolder and braver taste for life, and my maturity to reach for more, in a sort of final Faustian transgression.
Ist nur ein Gleichnis;
Hier wird's Ereignis;
Hier ist's getan;
Zieht uns hinan.