Still lost in my desert. But I slowly start to see a way in front of me, how can I move beyond this point. What do I want to achieve, now, when the old objectives have already been achieved and are no more.
So obvious that it is, must be the moment of asking myself what I do not regret, what really does matter for me. What has not been enough in my life. It becomes more and more clear that I do not regret adventure, I don't have it enough in my life. What I still want is dynamism, richness of new and exciting things.
And definitely, there is this passage from part-per-cent into the domain of part-per-thousand. It is very clear to me that I managed to get things that few women can enjoy, or few people in general. But there is still a way beyond the normalcy of my success. At least partially determined by the mediocrity of my origin. I'm still very much attached, for example, to my tiny flat in Kraków. I still find it impossible to let it go. Yet just like my Polish professorship, it is something very normal. A great achievement for a lowly, hard working girl, fighting against her family and social context just to keep her head above the water. Progressively, I get ready to let go the memory of my origins.
Hopefully, on 28th December I will be back in Leiden, ready to put my academic work at a completely new level. Letting go everything I've done or achieved till now. The cause of my hesitation and confusion is perhaps the necessity of finding a balance between continuity and breakthrough.
And yes, there is a dream of a great love story, no matter how good my marriage might become. That is another unsolvable conundrum. Marriage, especially this religious concept of marriage to which I'm so strongly attached, is a book to be read slowly, chapter by chapter. It does surprise me in every new episode. But be that as it may, reading slow books is a quiet kind of pleasure, falling apart from my love of adventure, greatness, things that are novel and exciting.
I have had more than my just share in everything, including the bodily delights. Great love stories are not a normal part of life, for anybody; and even in this aspect, I cannot complain, I had it bigger and bolder than most women. Even in my essentially solitary life, I suppose I've had more orgasms than most women; and suffered less. Overall, I have been on better terms with my body. With the benefit of tranquillity, independence, the comfort of not having to put up with pleasing anyone.
I used to live my life in the upper one or two or three percents, in every aspect. But there is the question of passing into the domain of parts-per-thousand. Of exceptional destinies.