I spent nearly four days (sic!) on taking distance to Poland, on rewriting my Autobiographical Essay, on removing pages from my private diary. I put all the e-mails from Poland in a separate file and removed them from my view. The distance grows. But it is a big work, taking an amount of time I didn't really foreseen. To close these twenty years. It was a quarter of a century, in a way. A quarter of a century.
This means making space for something else, something new. I'm in the process of change that after all so few people ever manage to achieve. The illusive change that psychologists and coaches sell for a lot of money to people who would like to become more than they are.
Yes indeed, it is a thrilling experience. For the void it creates. Now I walk through the three rooms of my French apartment like a wolf in a cage. Contemplating emptiness. I threw some of the old clothes I brought for Poland to finish them up. In general, after last year in Portugal and this year in France, I have very few clothes left. It is symbolic of cause, but it is how I make my change, by those everyday symbols, using all kinds of simple psychological tools. To show to myself everything is different now. Because I'm crossing a desert. Speaking about a quarter of a century. It is amazing indeed how much some clothes can endure. I've been contemplating a certain jacket in good wool that I'd bought in Lisbon probably when I was making my PhD, if not earlier. It must be with me for a quarter of a century. I remember it was with me the first day when I went to Kraków, the first day when I got my job at the Jagiellonian University. It is a good wool indeed, it is still a good jacket to wear. But I'm haunted by the smell of old clothes, as if I was an old lady, belonging to the past. Or a kind of chrysalis.
I'm ready to change the key words of my research, too. Transcultural humanities is something that had been, needing replacement. Eremos needs replacement, modification; it needs to be made better. I think it will take me these two months at least, a great revision, and making projects. Anyway I need to submit several proposals before the summer, so this mood comes in the right moment.
New habits are with me, like a kind of obsession of order. Diminishing the number of things that are with me, also intellectually. Making books rather than a mass of spare articles. Consolidating.