I've finally resigned myself onto creating a Tinder profile. I've spent two days trying to talk sex with Polish men (the matches are done locally, and they require payments to do them otherwise). I was about to pay, but I thought that when my location becomes Paris, there might be enough men for me to switch the cards to my heart's content.
The medium is simple, I would say primitive, compared to the ones I used many years ago. It's striking how few things changed since that time, and rather toward minimalism than otherwise. But it's true that those things became much more popular. At least as it seemed to me, the number of men, as for Poland, was significant. As I estimate, I must have switched some 500 or 600 cards; there used to be barely tens corresponding to similar area on Meetic.com when I tried it for the last time. Even if most of them were proclaiming shamelessly the intent of betraying their wives (did they actually have wives to betray, or it was just a way of cutting any woman's hope of decent and stable relationship down to the root?). I talked to some of them. Nothing changed since those remote times of Wirtualna Polska.
I wonder how many of them will actually find what they search for, and how bitter and sad it must be for any lonely woman actually searching for a relationship, let alone marriage. Or love. I suppose the great feminist struggle of tomorrow will be fought for the recognition of unpaid sex work to which many such women are reduced, just as it is today for the recognition of the housewives who toil for decades for no benefit whatsoever. For the abbreviation FWB hides a reality in which the benefit, whatever its definition might be, is very scarce.
Overall, I've been musing on what I actually look for, what is this piercing feeling of loss. Certainly, months and months have passed by since I made love to a living man for the last time. But the feeling of loss that is torturing me is not just this. It is a singular mix of erotical and spiritual that is characteristic to Sufism, that has interested me intellectually for many years, but that I've never lived as an actual experience. I've been interested in mysticism, but I've never been a mystic. I used to consider myself religiös unmusikalisch (according to the formulation of Max Weber); now it surprises me how I could tell such a thing about myself. I am indeed very musikalisch in this domain.
Obviously, what I'm looking for cannot be found on Tinder. I've left my e-mail address, just in case. But it is clear that I must search for direct, targeted methods, strategies of going for what I need at the source. In a zawiya?