The plague is clearly on a plateau all over western Europe. Austria is the first country to recall its response to the pandemic. Meanwhile, the politic consequences of the emergency start to surge all over Middle Europe. Transsexual persons denied legal recognition in Hungary. In Poland, the women are to be denied their remaining abortion rights. As well as sexual education.
I have been listening to old Kult's songs, Polska, Religia wielkiego Babilonu, that sort of things. Dziewczyna bez zęba na przedzie. It sounds terribly bitter, because I am the girl the songs speaks about. I actually miss nearly all my front teeth. They decayed when I was still a child, because there was so little care, so little care about anything whatsoever.
It sounds bitter, because nothing happened. I put expensive dental crowns many years ago; it costed me 15,000 zlotys at the time. Unfortunately, no prosthesis was to fill the void of Pole's spiritual life. Their Catholicism still finds its only fulfilment in the absurd cruelty of so called "little coffin laws" (ustawa trumienkowa), that in case of fetal malformations forces women to give birth to dead or dying children.
I start to feel that to participate in such a nation is like to participate in a criminal organisation. I suppose many Germans might have felt the same earlier on in the 20th century. Nihil novum sub sole. On the other hand, to have lost one's country feels like cotton in the skull, paralysis of the thought. But in some moments, I feel a sudden bravery, the readiness to face my destiny. I need to actively get rid of my country, just as if it were a dead and decaying fetus in me. It implies the full acceptance of resentment and contempt, a radical denial of forgiveness. Certainly, it never was a good country to live in. Yet I feel such a pervading pity, such a commiseration of ourselves, girls without the front teeth, girls without rights. Girls whose dignity always used to be treated as a ridiculous, fanciful pretension. This pity is the umbilical cord that connects me to the dead and decaying fetus.
Some people say we should "go for the Styrofoam" (iść na styropian), i.e. assume entirely the anti-governmental resistance, dedicate ourselves to this fight, just like in 1980. I do not consider it as an option. Because I know how organically the current events are connected to the actual collective will of the nation. 2020 is no parallel to 1980. The Poles have been neither invaded nor manipulated. They actually ordered and prepaid every single item of what they are about to get.
As a 15-year-old, I was a girl without the front teeth, because I had no choice; there was no other option. But now I have a choice. And I cannot accept to take no care whatsoever of myself, my body, my life, just let myself flow down with the current. I might have been a Hungarian, a Somalian, a Syrian, a Romanian. I shall not accept being flushed down the toilet. Not even as a heroic gnome in Machulski's Kingsajz. Not even by the pity of other girls without the front teeth or my feelings of solidarity with them. There shall be no Styrofoam, there shall be no resistance, there shall be no Szuflandia.