Talaq or not talaq?
I'm still undecided, and in a kind of emotional roller coaster that is not my true nature, and even less that of my husband. But I think this bit of bumpy ride served us both, helping to clarify many issues swept under the carpet long ago. Perhaps there is nothing like a good divorce to refresh and solidify a good marriage. That's a hypothesis.
But the problem is there; he cannot live with me in the Netherlands permanently, and I'm neither ready nor willing to face the City of Men (and me in it) on my own. We have seen all imaginable options, even the eventuality of finding for me a Lesbian lover. But of course, I'm as much heterosexual as a woman has ever been, and versed enough in the religion to know that this is not an accepted solution, either. Nonetheless, I do feel entitled to seek a more satisfactory marriage for myself, even if the one I got is truly not so very far from perfection. Am I overdoing something?
Here I am back to his first suggestion, which was more or less as follows: make your choice, and I will provide you with the necessary papers the moment you actually need them; which is both a very generous and very pragmatic option. It may take years to find me a new husband, and even, I may prove unable to find anyone to convince me. No need to rush into divorcing. Meanwhile we can still have a couple of unforgettable moments, even more exciting, if we know they might never happen again.
I rejected this option initially, because I just couldn't construe myself running after any man while I'm still someone else's wive; that would be an insult to the best I appreciate in myself. But perhaps my courting wont just take the form of running after anyone; that time is definitely over. Perhaps I should imagine it rather as a sort of discreet archaic negotiations.
Oh, were this desert my dwelling place! is still my favourite Byronic verse. I try to consider the Dutch as seriously as possible, but instinctively I feel it is not the right address. Not because they might miss anything as men; they are all right. But unfitting my purpose. Certainly, they would be socially the closest to what I am, the best educated, with the best assets. They might be a woman's best friends, and also very acceptable lovers, if only I were the woman I was just a couple of months ago. Right now, I feel they might lack in temperament on the heights of passion. Although I assume this is just a heuristic based on stereotypes, prejudices, possible misconceptions. Or a language of pheromones that remains incomprehensible to me.
It is in my desert that I feel truly at home; it speaks a language of pheromones that I do understand only too well. Certainly, this is something learned, something that solidified in me due to my previous experience; but the intimate life has its own rules.
Also, I would really feel like a freak with any western guy, with all the burden of my highly unconventional views, believes, intimate persuasions. As well as exigences and expectations.
A marriage before, not after, is one of them. I know it is an extravagant idea that might only make people laugh. But I just cannot do it otherwise. Not truly, or not exclusively, for any direct religious reason. It is something far more pragmatic. I do believe that good sex requires commitment. A commitment that should be decided, established, and if possibly formalised before anyone even thinks about taking off his or her shoes. So both parts come to the matter fully focused and in the state of concentration of all their resources. Without any further theological musings, this is just the lesson Master Yoda conveyed to Luke Skywalker, when he started his training as a jedi. When the matter is to move a spaceship out of a muddy pool with nothing but your mind power, you cannot say "OK, I will try to see if it works". You have to stick to Yoda's lesson: "Do. Or do not. There is no try". Otherwise it will never work.
I know this is not the most common approach to sex, especially in a country like the Netherlands. Being a jedi wont improve my chances. But this is how I got about 99% of good sex I ever managed to have in my life; arguably, that makes me a bit inelastic in my strategies. I suppose it is also something temperamental about me; I'm just such an extra-serious person, so strongly committed in whatever I do in my life, appreciating things very neatly cut. I suppose there is nothing to do with it; it's my nature. And I know that to find a fulfilment, I need to follow it as closely as possible, not try to falsify it.