In a month, I've lost over 6 kg. Every day I notice some positive change in my physiological condition, like the disappearance of a certain hyperesthesia that accompanied me since I was a teenager. Mentally, as if in a sort if inverted dysmorphic disorder, I appear to myself more attractive than is probably the case. I suppose this kind of mild irrealism is characteristic at least to a certain type of mature women, just as excessive criticism toward one's looks is characteristic for young women. I've always had a great love for myself, but now it is something different; paradoxically, because this idealisation of my own person comes strangely associated with the readiness of finding constantly new problems to solve, new corrections to make; I work on myself as if I were my own masterpiece. Just a perfect client for all the cosmetologist industry. Yet another obsession is my sudden need of acquiring and wearing red clothes and accessories; I still have many from the first years of my marriage, I always loved dark red things; but yesterday I just had to buy a beautiful, and proportionally expensive, cherry colour skirt.
Still uncertain, nonetheless, what to do with my marriage, that in the meanwhile acquires rare shades of passion, harmony, devotion, mutual interest, unhindered communication. I'm surprised to see how much of its complexity escaped me over the last years. It is indeed a beautiful garden that pains me to abandon, especially now, when it is again in its full blossom and splendour. I would have a great deal of good and curious things to say about it, but these are of course aspects I'm obliged to keep secret.
The outer world of men seems less attractive in comparison, and the conclusions I draw speak about the necessity of caution and restraint. Somehow I find my own balance of principles and temptations, perhaps also more easily and with a greater efficacy than in any earlier period of my life. Yet I have an instinctive feeling that some great good will come to me from that side as well, not knowing how or when, except that it will come rather through restraint, selectivity and virtue, than otherwise.
And all this vaguely moralising wisdom would be very boring of course, if it didn't came from a woman navigating, erotically speaking, towards very deep waters indeed.