Christmas in Poland is no longer what it used to be. The Christmas tree I have this year is good, it is thick, with plenty of tiny branches, and smells nice. But there was practically no fish, just a slice, packed in plastic. Carp, nonetheless, should be eaten fresh, killed ritualistically, with a sharp knife, like on Hieronymus Bosch's painting.
Overall, the food is bad, and I refuse to buy at those exorbitant prices. I refuse to pay in Biedronka MORE than I used to pay in the Auchan at Cergy Prefecture. Because it is simply not just.
So my Christmas in Poland lacked many things. I was expecting local delicacies, but of those there was none. I ate a dead forelle; I guess that at some moment, retired from the pools when they are grown, they ARE fresh, even in Poland(?). Perhaps their Catholic beliefs prevent the Poles from eating the fish fresh, I don't know. Apparently, there was a saint who, being given a fresh herring, used to put it aside, and eat only when it became foul-smelling enough to fit his level of ascetic practice...
And I think of my last Christmas, in Paris, with its fallow deer, and crocodile, and wines, and exotic fruits coming from New Caledonia. As if it were on another planet.
Everyone is tired, deadly tired. Tired of scandals, of reading eternally the same kind of news, even tired of power. I am tired of that eternal fight against my own being-here, being-in-this. Tired of fighting against this invisible net that overwhelms me. Tired of lacking a different life.
We had been in Holland, two weeks, my husband and I, right before the beginning of that new lockdown. There, the fish was fresh, and the lemon was sour, just as it used to be on their paintings. The Hague was like on a Christmas movie, only lacking a tiny veil of snow. There is snow here. Rare, interesting. Who knows, it could be one of my last snowy Christmas. My last Christmas in Poland. It's possible. In one year, a lot of things may happen. Next year I could be somewhere. In Queensland, or New Zealand. Till next Christmas so many things may be different.
I'm tired of falling eternally into the same shitty hole. The hole that becomes shittier and shittier as the years go by.
I feel like nothing happens in my life, there is no change, the stagnation is overwhelming. In my life! I know, I have no right to complain. Whose life is dynamic, if mine is not? But I need bigger change, a game-changing change, a breakthrough.