I start to have worries about future. Perhaps because the term of contract for renting my apartment is closer. Overall, I see less and less possibilities to come back to Poland. And it's no longer about what I fancy, it is about survival. I am afraid of not finding a doctor to take care of me when I really need; in fact, I was afraid of this all my life. Only now it becomes more palpable, more probable that I might have cancer or something. I'm worried because there was a Monumentendag yesterday, and I just cannot stand all the beauty of the place where I am. And this is what makes me worried; I cannot face the perspective of leaving it. But on the other hand, how could this beauty be really mine?
I'm worried about the prices of those little housies in the centre of Leiden. Perhaps I will have to resign myself to living in a featureless apartment, as I did all my life, and stop aspiring for more. Oh, but on the other hand, if I do, the money would accumulate in the predictable future (if actually there is a future to predict of me as a Leiden University professor). I would never be happy and glad with any apartment.
All this is coping with incertitude, facing my uncertain future and worried how I will cope with Leiden real estate market.
And even more worried how I will cope with my own work. What I progressively learn in Leiden is that I should stop the habit I acquired early in my career - that of participating. That of adopting to external research agendas, such as calls for papers or all sorts of collective projects. I should follow my own path and not to move even one step beyond it, no matter what is proposed to me. Because those external proposals constantly draw me back, just as that idea of discussing, in "Konteksty Kultury", the postcolonial theory as a sort of program for 2020. By Jove! We have war in Saudi Arabia!
Yes, we have a dictatorship in Poland and a war in Saudi Arabia. Both statements are somehow exaggerated of course, but both may come uncomfortably true any day of these. For the moment, I have more faith in Arabian cunning than Polish love of freedom. I give some 60% chance of succeeding to the former and only a cautious 2% chance to the latter (I mean, I give 2% by caution, otherwise I would say its 0,2%; but I recognise the power of constantly surprising us, inherent to History). Most probably, I believe, there will be nothing out of it in Saudi Arabia, and nothing in Poland. No event. But this uneventfulness will mean something else in both cases, lead to quite different consequences. Be that as it may, the time is to stop frolicking around. What just ended may have been our last summer of peace.
There is no more space to be silly or inefficient. I see only one practicable way to solve my problems - becoming a visible intellectual, sort of new Agamben just to put it shortly. Start to sell well. Everything else is just frolicking around. I should probably make a full stop in all accidental research, write nothing at all except for the development of my theory. Put it as boldly, as prominently as I find it feasible.