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fugiebam dolorem, abiectionem, ignorantiam. quid in tali animante non mirabile atque laudabile?
​
Augustine, Confessions, I, 20.

This autobiographical essay speaks of the four apocalyptic riders of Poland, Contempt, Mendacity, Ignorance and Delusion, as they haunted me along the greater part of my life. This is only one of the multiple ways in which my personal story might be told; it took this form across the years of the social and cultural downfall of the nation, as I slowly wrote it down in 2015-2018. Thus, it is not a futile exercise in speaking poorly of my homeland and people who tried to educate me the best they could; it is an attempt at giving a testimony on the complex ways of arriving at the stage where we actually arrived, individually and collectively. As I went on writing, whatever was born under my fingertips tended to grow in bitterness immediately; I tried to introduce some glimpses of optimism, or at least of humour, in order to lighten my text, to make it more readable; all the effort in vain. The result is a story of loss, of subsequent losses: of my family, of my universities, of my country. But in fact, did I ever have people around me, did I ever have a country? ​Or rather, did I have traumas to cure before I turned twelve, and no illusions whatsoever concerning the society in which I was living?



I.

My earliest memories, which must be situated, I presume, around the age of three, are those of a little illustrated book. As far as I can gather my recollection, it counted the story of a family of bears, very sad bears depicted in dark green; they were nonetheless my first company and solace. I had that book when I was in the hospital. I landed there, because my mother used to leave me alone outdoors to play when I was still too young to be admitted at the nursery school, and an older child pushed me down the slide with such a result that my leg was broken. I was so small that I had no idea what my name was and where my parents were living. But the accident did not teach them caution; my mother just made me recite my name and address over and over again. I was ten and a half when my sister was born, and I was expected to take care of the baby; once again I stayed long hours outdoors, this time with quite an adult-looking book and a baby carriage. I suppose that, with my reading and my seriousness, I looked older than my real age; some people must have imagined it was a case of a highly irregular maternity. This is why one day someone spat heartily on my best sweater.
When it happened, I had no idea why. I could only construe the reasons a posteriori, in the light of my subsequent experience of my country. We must have been in the beginnings of the Church-promoted anti-abortion / pro-morality campaign. A female, even one of such a tender age, was under attack, ready for the victimization; anyone could spit on her in total impunity. I think that the person who did it was a young male, like those "crusaders" who participate nowadays in fascist manifestations, hoisting DEUS VULT written in big black letters; I recognized the face from my childhood on a photo from Poland in "The Independent". Perhaps these elements form some sort of secret symbolic constellation, tracing the diagram of inexplicable, nonsensical destiny of my country across the last half of a century. A boy, a girl, a book and a crusade.
​
The story of my self-service childhood sounds incredible, I know. But I belonged to an entire generation of children with their homes' keys hanging from their necks on strings, chains or fine leather straps. I have no idea how Polish feminism looks back to the history of women's ascension to the payable work market, if it ever does. As I write these words, 48% of women in Poland do not work outside their homes. In the times of my remote childhood, their work was simply appropriated by the communist system, without creating sufficient compensations or minimal conditions; this is why it had such a human cost as I mention here, and other costs as well. Professions that the women from my family and social class used to perform from then on, such as nurse or elementary teacher, went on underpaid for years, precisely because they relied on female workforce, and women COULD be underpaid. And that had nothing to do with insufficiency of their qualifications. Several decades later, near the end of this essay, I shall complain of having worked as a university professor, performing at a European level, for merely a quarter of the European salary. Thus, in many ways, the female ascension to the payable work market might be seen not exactly as an ascension, but yet another kind of servitude.
I'm not sure if those topics have ever been seriously discussed; certainly, such childhoods as mine belong to the shadowy, unspeakable zone. At the time, we were still to wait more than thirty years for the mass manifestations of women carrying black umbrellas. In the meanwhile, old peasant standards of behavior (leave the kids in the courtyard while you are doing your chores) remained unchanged and unchallenged; there was no other paradigm, no other standard, at least not in the horizon of my people.
Only the courtyards in front of the urban blocks of flats differed from the courtyards in the countryside. None of them were actually safe and I am lucky to have escaped just with one leg a bit shorter than the other. Relying mainly on the inborn avoidance of eye contact and the capacity of adopting a particularly stern face expression, I also managed to dodge the hordes of pedophiles and exhibitionists. No need to say all that was acting on pure instinct; no one ever cared to warn me against any such dangers. I only received a generic, yet even more persuasive message: WHATEVER HAPPENS, YOU WILL BE HELD RESPONSIBLE. AND YOU WILL FACE THE CONSEQUENCES ALONE. The efficacy of this summary sexual education was tremendous. Looking back to my life as a woman approaching her menopause, I can definitely say I have never made love unprotected. Not even once. For the rest, as soon as I attained the age of reason, I preferred to keep my sexual life as far from the national shores as possible. And to the present day I keep this sole certitude: if anything happens to me, no one will help me. 

I add this paragraph here in 2018, at the moment when Smarzowski's film Kler (The Clergy) electricises Polish audience, provoking a national debate on pedophiliac priests. But that was merely the tip of the iceberg. The society is still not ready to accept the stories of children and young girls abused not only in churches, but far more importantly, in family homes, courtyards in front of blocks of flats, popular allotments (działki). Abused in many ways, not only by actual sexual crimes committed on them, but firstly and more durably, by the atmosphere of insecurity; by the vague sensation of shame, uncleanness, unnamed guilt; by the information denied to them; by things unspeakable imposed upon them.

It was apparently the time of the "sexual revolution" in Poland, initiated, in 1978, by the famous ars amandi (Sztuka kochania) by Michalina Wisłocka. I put the term between inverted commas, because I do believe there has been no true sexual revolution in Poland up to the present day; the society has never achieved the state of maturity or equilibrium in the intimate sphere. I even regard this fact as one of the sources of the present-day social crisis; those "crusaders" of today are men literally encapsulated in their bubbles of compulsively watched hard porn, intoxicating their imagination and rendering them unable to build up a normal relationship with any woman whatsoever. Their dream of strength, fulfilled in massive extreme right manifestations (the last one gathered a crowd of 250 000, predominantly male, participants), starts in their private capsules of hard porn. I came to these ideas just by personal musing, but I believe they are not entirely original. As early as 1933, there was a German publication by a certain Wilhelm Reich, analyzing the relationship between sexuality and fascism. I never found time and patience to actually read it, but perhaps we should.
This is why I am by no means inclined to criticize Wisłocka's book or belittle its importance in the early eighties. It was indeed a revolutionary one; it is most unfortunate that it failed to make the revolution stay with us. It was only relatively reliable in the advice about contraceptive methods the author tried to provide; these were still the times before the pill, as far as Poland was concerned. But later on, for my 18th birthday, I received yet another book, published and distributed under the auspices of the Catholic Church, where I could find the instruction how to follow the so called calendar method, today also known as Vatican roulette; there was also a hint that the woman achieves some sort of ecstasy at the moment of childbirth, more precisely when the child's head is pushed through her vagina, if she is not under the effect of strong painkillers (sic!). This is just to suggest the abysmal difference between Wisłocka's book and other, often highly fantasist writings available at the time. For instance, we also had in Poland a kind of book about sexual cultures of the world. If I remember correctly, it was Lew Starowicz who authored it. It was incredibly naive, badly written, sort of graphomaniac publication.
Against that background, Wisłocka's book truly appeared as brilliant; at least, it had something authentic in it, something that made its impact both in Poland and in a series of East European countries where it was translated. Many years later, I was deeply shocked by the author's biography, Sztuka kochania gorszycielki, published in 2014 by Violetta Ozminkowski. The episodes from Wisłocka's life that her biographer revealed were illustrative of the harshness of any Polish female destiny: it started with a regular rape and continued with the experience of polygamy imposed by her husband, a painful childbirth, a painful divorce, a painful loneliness, without mentioning such collateral aspects as the sexist context of her academic life. Yet the culminating, ending moment of the biography was the revelation of the secret behind the only erotically positive male figure, a sailor Wisłocka encountered during her vacation. That client of many brothels of the world was supposed to give her the first orgasmic experience and inspire the making of the revolutionary Sztuka kochania. Nonetheless, the testimony strategically put by Ozminkowski at the end of Wisłocka's biography shows that guy was not even a sailor; he was merely an animator from the local tourist centre, living seasonal romance throughout each summer. He created his sailor brothel-going persona merely to fascinate lonely, frustrated women such as the future author of Sztuka kochania. It was an imposture all over, the entire sexual revolution of Poland, initiated by a woman who was so tragically unhappy throughout her own sexual life. We were taught about love and eroticism by someone who never truly experienced any of them.


II.

Among the plethora of heroes and champions of the Mahabharata, there is also Ekalavya, a gifted student to whom Drona, the archery master of Arjuna, refused his teachings. Descendant of the jungle tribes, he was coming from the wrong caste. The neatness and beauty of the solar arrow achieving its target was too much for his sort of people.
Rejected at the gurukul of Drona, Ekalavya went to the forest to practice archery in front of the guru's figure chiselled out of wood (or modeled out of mud), till he achieved such a perfection that he could prevent a dog from barking by a shower of arrows around its mouth, yet leaving the animal unscathed. When Drona discovered his achievement, he ruthlessly asked for his guru-dakshina (the repayment due to one's teacher), which was to be Ekalavya's right thumb. In such a way, Drona prevented him from casting a shadow upon the greatness of the favored pupil, Arjuna, the pedigree hero destined to shine.
​It is clear that the Mahabharata is not Polish, for the favored pupils in my country of origin have always been chosen for the reassuring virtue of their invincible mediocrity. The rest of the story seems to remain a pertinent description of my situation as a gifted child coming from the wrong caste, making myself unpardonably guilty of intellectual autonomy. That no one would teach me was one of the early messages I received. Also the part concerning the rituals of cutting right hands' thumbs of high achievers remained painfully valid. I've always avoided chiselling wooden fetishes of teachers; even though, I had to refuse to cut my own thumb on more than one occasion. But right now, contemplating my scarred fingers as I write, I am by no means sure if I managed to dodge the connection between mastery and wound. Since my childhood till my mature days at the Polish university, I would be cyclically punished, marginalized, rejected for whatever I achieved and represented in intellectual terms.  

The cycle started early. I remember distinctly the book that I was reading when they spat on me; it was a thick volume on Mesopotamia. In fact, why Mesopotamia? My first dream as a child was to become a scientist, a biologist. I had a notebook where I was writing my "observations" of plants and birds and every month I was reading "Mała Delta" ("The Small Delta"), quite an original publication we had in Poland at that time, I suppose the only such a serious scientific journal addressed to children that had ever existed worldwide. Yet very early in my life I received my "diagnosis"; I could be eight years old or so at the time. A friend of my mother, who possessed some elements of professional training in psychology, decided to make an IQ test in which I obtained an uncommonly high score. I am not sure what this friend actually said to my mother, but I know well enough what she understood: that I was in some way abnormal. After so many years, I distinctly remember the grim, ominous mood in which my mother was when we returned home. Her intuitions proved to be correct. For many years to come, she was to face problems with her daughter; problems for which she was completely unprepared. I was progressively dissuaded from developing my scientific interests by the scorn and contempt with which my parents treated them; but that was far from being the end of trouble. One day I came home with the news that I was accepted to a music school and I was to play violin; I went through the preparatory course and the exams all by myself. Of course, violin was unthinkable under the conditions in which my family lived, but I did not know it yet. I got the idea from Zosia, a handsome, delicate girl with curled hair who lived in the same block of housing office's flats. The aspect I initially failed to comprehend was why she could play violin and I could not, since we were living in the same block of flats. But her people were not like my people. It was probably my first encounter with the Polish intelligentsia and my first experience of the consequences of not belonging to it; but of course it was too early to call things with these precise terms. The communism rendered the social conundrum even more intricate; it would take me years to comprehend it. In the meanwhile, I started to nurture a very solid persuasion that I was different, beyond the normal, irreducible to what other people were. Destined and sentenced to live in a world of my own, where the rules and criteria applicable to other people were not valid.
Certainly, it was not a time to play violin. One Sunday morning in December 1981, when I opened the TV to see my favorite program "Teleranek", I was advised from the screen that a "state of war" (stan wojenny, or martial law) had been introduced in my country. The curfew was at 10 pm, and in any case, we had nowhere to go after that hour. We were lacking toilet paper, and at the moment of picking up the phone, one could hear a little voice warning that the conversation was under surveillance. Nothing special happened to my family at that time, but I was afraid. Till the present day, that early experience stays with me, causing my deep, generalized distrust of History. Cold water was entering my winter shoes; we were receiving humanitarian aid; used clothes were distributed in churches; but of course, it wasn't a solution for anything. And for many years to come, I kept the belief that Poland would make me poor in the end, that this essential, inalienable poverty, sooner or later, would return. An illness, or the old age, would bring me back to the same helplessness I had experienced at the very beginning of everything, when I was three and my leg was broken. Many years later, I had those things very present in my mind all the way, eighteen hours by bus, from Kraków to Amsterdam.


III.

Meanwhile, at the age of nine, I switched to humanities, where my interests and ambitions could be satisfied in a relatively inconspicuous way, and that explains why the book I had when someone spat on me was about Mesopotamia. I became a typical Egyptology maniac, having seen a film about ancient Egypt: the 1966 adaptation of Bolesław Prus' Pharaoh by Jerzy Kawalerowicz. Obviously I also liked Indiana Jones later on, but I am proud to have started, in those gloomy years that roughly coincided with the period of martial law in Poland (1981-1983), by such an aesthetically advanced reference. Certainly, those books were to lead me a very long way indeed. But overall, I cannot say that my childhood was spent in a culturally or intellectually enriching environment. On the contrary, I grew against very limiting circumstances, as a lonely child at odds with everyone and everything. 

My grandmother kept a hen in the balcony, in that block of housing office's flats where we all lived, four generations of us in a low-standard two bedrooms apartment. She worked outside as well, as a nurse. She was the first generation of literacy in my family. My great-grandmother, who also lived with us, was illiterate. I remember the day I discovered the fact, aged six or seven, and how I tried in vain to teach her how to write. She claimed obstinately her sight was weak and she couldn't distinguish the letters. Years later, when I was to obtain my habilitation (post-doctoral degree), my grandfather told me, with resigned tranquillity and seriousness, that he would not speak to me any more, because from then on "I was a professor". Effectively, since that day, he has never spoken to me any more, claiming obstinately that his hearing was too weak to comprehend what I was telling. I do not believe he has ever had any intention of cutting my thumb; the wound was to be there, yet beyond anyone's personal responsibility. A breach opened between my world and theirs.
For many years I respected that decision, taking it for the result of an autonomous will, even if it might seem strange and incomprehensible, to myself as much as to any reader of my story. Only recently, confronted with the growing wave of madness inundating the Polish society, I have started to wonder if that attitude was not in some way derived from certain inspirations my grandfather might receive from the ultra-Catholic and ultra-conservative Radio Maryja, of which, as many people in his generation, he was a great fan. My grandfather was the only truly religious person in my family; the rest just lived a very primary life, without much spiritual depth. Certainly, he lacked education or insight in the matters of this world and the next; he was a simple mail carrier. But earlier in my life, he had always encouraged me both to study in the institutional framework and to gather the experience of things in a direct, empirical way. Why did that attitude change? Because I crossed certain boundaries and went beyond the levels he was able to accept, or because new ideological factors appeared in his world?
When I saw him for the last time, my grandfather was trying to play the role of a patriarch, aggressive and harsh, commanding the women with menaces of slapping them in the face. The change in his personality and behaviour was such that for a moment I thought there might be a malignant tumour developing in his brain. Perhaps, at least metaphorically speaking, there was indeed a tumour; or rather a dreadful parasite he had let into his head. As I remember him from my childhood, he was a humble, mild and unassuming person; his Germanic background (he was born in the western part of Poland, not far from Poznań) was patent in the fact that he used to polish his shoes and wash his socks every evening at the same time he was washing his feet. In the chaotic and rather smelly world of my childhood, such a discipline appeared as something nearly maniacal. After his work in the distribution of the mail, he was usually occupied scything some grass for the rabbits he was keeping on a small allotment; he was also cultivating some flowers and vegetables. There was a barren apple tree on that allotment; he felled it, and with its wood, as a sign of devotion, he started to produce rosaries. He built up a strange, over-complicated contraption that served him to make holes in the beads; it would certainly find its place in an ethnographic museum as a masterpiece of a naive artist. I still have the rosary he gave me, made out of that apple tree of my childhood; I have only transformed it from the Catholic version into a misbaha. But it seems that we have searched for the East of our souls in quite opposite directions. 
"Perhaps they had been manipulated", a wife of an American colleague said to me during a party, assuming that what happened in Poland must be in a way analogous to the presidential victory of Donald Trump. I do not see it this way. I cannot admit that even an innocent, defenceless man may be quite simply manipulated into menacing his kin with slapping them in the face. What is more, the problem was situated at a very basic level; there was no complex ideology implied it it, only the most elementary choices. Nonetheless, I suppose it might be possible to explain the process that had led him to the point where he arrived. In the society of contempt, he was at the very bottom. Together with his polished shoes, his habit of wearing very bad clothes was no less Germanic. Also, he was always forcing me to wear filthy rags when I was with him, assuming that I would get dirty anyway while feeding the rabbits. Later on, as my grandmother suffered a stroke early in her fifties due to abuse of alcohol and an impossible diet, he used to drag her in a wheel chair through muddy paths to his allotment, offering daily a truly Beckettian spectacle. Taking all those circumstances into the account, it is hard to imagine the tremendous dose of humiliation he might have absorbed along his life. No wonder that, when his little radio whispered to his ear that he might "get up from his knees", the message became the last temptation of that naturally meek and pious man. Certainly, he remained at the very bottom of the society of contempt. But now he could take his revenge, that the radio presented as legitimate, menacing the womenfolk with his raised fist. As desperate, tragic and nonsensical as that revenge might be, he chose to take it and to go on inebriated with it.

Later on, both in Kraków and in Warsaw, I often had the opportunity of hearing other people's narrations of their roots and origins. These complex stories usually involved Jews, Polish noblemen, governesses speaking French, and even dragomans, or interpreters, of Farsi in the service of the tsar. I have never heard anybody talk about a hen in the balcony. Nor about apple trees made into rosaries. This is why, as I said, my story lacks credibility. On the other hand, I have always had a distinct sense of fiction, without accusing anyone of deliberate mendacity, while hearing other people's autobiographical narrations. I have always suspected that their will of continuity was in fact covering a poignant sense of disruption, of a void, of a break in cultural transmission. These keywords of my personal contribution to the humanities are taken from my vital experience of Polish destinies.


IV.

Let's better return to the parallel world of high scholarship in which I was seeking my refuge. As the literature about Egypt was not abundant in the minuscule public library that existed at my doorstep, I went on reading about antiquities, art and mythologies more broadly, including India, Mesopotamia, the Cyclades (I remember there was a fascinating book on this topic in the library), and a plurality of other ancient cultures in the Mediterranean and beyond. I used to walk a long way to another public library to fetch more reading; that one was bigger and looked fabulous in my eyes; at least we had public libraries in those dark times. I had no idea of poverty. I was happy and experienced a great abundance when I could huddle together with the borrowed books on the fold-out chair bed where I was sleeping. As the result, I dare say I was already quite well versed in the domain of ancient civilisations when I was still very young, and what is more, distinctly inclined toward a universalist type of erudition. It also explains why I started teaching myself Arabic before I got any chance to study Latin, and why I became incurably nostalgic of the era of Oriental scholars and explorers. I have read Said's Orientalism as soon as it appeared in its first Polish translation, but that was only in 1991, when I was already a high-school student. Till then, I lived, and lived intensely, in the dazzling noon of colonial scholarship.
An important fact to mention is that I was lucky enough to get two significant travels abroad, in a way of children's camps offered as a bonus in my father's job. The first one was a trip to Eastern Germany, where I could visit, as a thirteen-years-old, the Museumsinsel in Berlin. I still keep as a priceless sentimental possession a couple of postcards I bought, reproducing a lion from the Ishtar Gate and a dove carrying a piece of cloth, a detail in the apse from Ravenna that is now in the Bode Museum. The second camp was in Szeged; on the way to Hungary, I also visited Prague. What is more, travelling by bus through the then state of Czechoslovakia, I was amazed to discover, in a small village shop where we stopped for a break, that any amount of chocolate might be bought freely, providing that one had enough money. At the time, chocolate was available in Poland only with food stamps.
This early youth in the margin of historical turmoil, in spite of very modest material, social and educational conditions, gave me a quick start; I am building upon this advantage till the present day. Later on, everything slowly became more normal; in relative terms at least. My family could finally move to a new apartment and I even got a room on my own. I learned drawing, painting and wood carving, as well as art history and French, at a high school dedicated to fine arts. Mircea Eliade, translated into Polish and quite popular at that time, introduced me into the domain of comparative religious studies. I was also a keen reader of Aldous Huxley; a translation of his Perennial Philosophy was among the first books I owned. I started accumulating them as soon as I could get any money to buy them. I was interested in books of the world, taking me to distant places, in space and in time, making me feel I was living in an open horizon; it was among my books that I was free. That was the beginning of my Multilingual Library, a collection of books, maps, guides, dictionaries, personal notes, photographs and drawings brought from my travels and disposed on the shelves as a private metaphor of the world: Europe, the Mediterranean, Sub-Saharan Africa, India, China, Arabia, the northern regions, the New World, Australasia, Oceania, Australia. A kind of polyglot Mnemosyne, or Malraux's musée imaginaire with a new background, whatever one might call it: transcultural, non-hegemonic, cosmopolitan, pluriversalist. 

I say that things normalised only in relative terms, because as much as our material situation slowly improved, the mentality remained the same. I could learn French, painting and art history, but my mother despised me for having chosen, against her will, that school. Because it was not normal, it was breaking through her mental framework. She believed we were taking drugs to make us "artists"; I was also a regular whore in her eyes; with a prodigious readiness of spite and contempt, she was expecting such news as an unwanted pregnancy. To her utter desolation, those tidings were not coming, giving her no opportunity of humiliating me any further. I was struggling for my progress and education. But my mental health started to deteriorate, leading me deeper and deeper into neurosis and depression. With a motherly dedication, she supported all the eventual projects of suicide I might cherish; some nights she was coming to my bedroom, positively trying to provoke me into taking the decisive step. I managed to recover, through specialised pharmacological treatment that I followed for some eighteen months, only much later, around 2008. That was when all contacts with my family utterly ceased. 
It was on my younger sister that my mother took her revenge; it was her that she managed to break, transforming her into an empty being with no will of her own. Initially, to her desperation, my sister borrowed my dreams and projects. But there was something essentially false in all that. Her aspirations were shallow, as if they were empty carcasses with no entrails to make them live. What she wanted to become might be approximately resumed under the stereotype of an elegant English upper-class young lady; she was trying to see the world through the lens of Pride and Prejudice; obviously the reality, especially the Polish one, did not let itself to such a treatment; the constant clash only made her more and more entrenched in her fictional world. One might object that my sister was not English, and much less from an upper class; nonetheless, that fiction was strangely compatible with the alleged origins in the countryside gentry that my mother tried to invent for herself. At the same time, it was something even more general; the phenomenon appeared striking to me many years later, when I was on my way back home from somewhere abroad. As if in a sudden illumination, I found a glimpse of my sister in a couple of Polish young women I saw in a tramway. They behaved stiffly, with pretension, as if sticking to some kind of inadequate, artificial scenario. I suppose it was their defensive strategy, a firewall they were desperately trying to oppose to the society of contempt in which they had to live. A fiction of dignity. 
Be that as it may, my sister, downtrodden and regularly humiliated as she was, considered horse riding as her major interest; having a horse of her own was a target orientating her life. Contrary to what happened with me, my mother managed to put her in "the best" school, where she was seriously mistreated by her teachers. Later on, she tried to mimic my ways to such a degree that she imposed her choice of art history as her major; but the genre on which she intended to focus her research was English sporting art, i.e. paintings representing gentlemen in red jackets, usually against green backgrounds. Finally, she wrote a master dissertation on Pythagorean numbers and proportions in architecture, but it was all supposed to lead, in a way, to an English Palladianism that would never come true in her real life. My mother had failed to make her study IT, as she believed my sister should; but later on, she managed to inculcate her with the sense of complete failure and to persuade her about the absolute uselessness of her qualification. My sister did not seriously try to make herself a future as an art historian; she got an obscure job related to computers. Finally, she went abroad, not exactly as a knowledge migrant; from time to time, I check her posts on Facebook, since many years referring invariably to Star Wars.

What should be said in defense of my mother is that she was not entirely sane, either. The difficulties of life overwhelmed her, as they did with many Polish women, victims of the cruellest, the most inhuman of all lies: the myth sacralising the maternal figure. In reality, the Mother Pole, female of the Agambenian genus Homo sacer, has never been either protected or respected; since decades, generations, even centuries of Polish history, she has only been invariably downtrodden, humiliated and victimised. Material shortages of the communist Poland added a new chapter to that never-ending story. On the other hand, privately, my grandmother added an ancestral burden of inhumanity to the lot, epitomising a truly Indo-European, tyrannical and spiteful mother-in-law. Nonetheless, that awful, dirty hag died on my mother's lap, as she was trying to force some broth into her.
But of course, that was to happen many years later, including the years after her stroke when, severely handicapped, my grandmother was nursed by none other than my mother, once again working beyond her strength as she had been herself hospitalized for cancer. I never understood why my mother did this; I could not see any shade of pity, forgiveness or reconciliation between them across that period. My grandmother continued in her feelings of loathing, contempt and spite toward my mother even as she was dependent on her; I could never see the slightest gesture of kindness or gratitude. And I am still under quite a horrifying impression that my mother did whatever she did not for any lofty moral value, but because she had been internally so enslaved that it never crossed her head that she might have a choice or behave in any other way. Finally, some time after my grandmother's death, she progressively became some sort of persona non grata in my grandfather's home.
But I have lost the thread of my story again; let's come back to my childhood and my parent's difficult youth, such a youth that in the strict terms of psychiatric medicine might eventually be seen as a source of their mental handicap. But no doctor has ever examined, let alone treated, any of them.
In her early twenties, with a baby in her arms, my mother found herself surrounded with people in a minuscule, overcrowded flat, servant of everyone, lacking any assistance or attention to her needs. The sense of helplessness she must have experienced is very hard to gauge; she tried to develop her peculiar methods of coping, that it many cases should be qualified as magical. My parents were the sort of people, in fact a majority of the Polish society of the time, that would put large quantities of chestnuts under their beds to protect themselves from the "radiation" coming, as they believed, from underground water currents. Those chestnuts actually were some sort of last line of defense offering them an illusion of safety as they experienced a profound loss of control over their lives.
My father was not much of a comfort for anybody; much less a head of a family in any traditional patriarchal terms. He was barely nineteen when I was born and for the rest of his life he remained alienated from problems, just accepting passively whatever was coming his way, aspiring to nothing, searching for nothing. He might have had a talent; he was an amateur woodcarver. My mother even made him sell his works in an ersatz art gallery as it existed in the communist Poland; primitive art was fashionable at the time. But later on, there was nothing of it. It was like a river drained by a desert. He was suffering from such mental problems as anxiety and hoarding compulsion.

Epigeneticists claim that the fear lived through by the past generations gets accumulated and transmitted. I wonder how far that is true. I have had problems with anxiety since my childhood, but I was a fearful child mostly when I was in my father's presence; he was giving me fear just as other dads give the sense of security to their children. Nonetheless, I suppose that such episodes as that of having gone on my own to search a music school might characterise me as a very brave kid. And so did many other acts and decisions I have taken along my life. Although familiar with pharmacology, I never needed more than a couple of blisters of Tranxene to soothe my anxiety. At the same time, I often think that I am the only person provided with an instinct of self-preservation in my immediate surroundings. Meanwhile my father, with all his anxiety problem, was horribly reckless in front of clear, definite dangers. Just to give an example, he could manipulate the electrical wires in our home and leave them naked, without any isolation; once we actually had a fire caused by this. I hardly dare to mention the episode when he stood on the balcony handrail (8th floor!) for some stupid reason. I suppose that he had learned to live with a red alarm constantly switched on in his head. Being so, he had no other signalling resource to indicate the moments he was really crossing a limit. Or perhaps it was just sheer stupidity, without any excuse. I asked him once if it was OK to keep a damaged power plug without its plastic casing behind my bed. He told me he was sure I was wise enough not to put my hands in the gap between the bed and the wall.
This is how, thanks to my father's unlimited trust in my wisdom, I have exercised my instinct of self-preservation since a tender age; otherwise I would die electrocuted. Early have I learnt how to assess risks. I try to fear fearful things, and nothing but fearful things, although not everything can get so easily into the calculus. I am afraid one day my mother might somehow come back into my life. I am very cautious with venomous arthropods and snakes, always covering my glass of juice for fear I might drink a wasp with it; relatively cautious with parasites; rather reckless with germs and the risk of alimentary poisoning. Nonetheless, I always try to keep my vaccinations up to date.
In many years to come, it seemed to me that Poles, with all the epigenetic heritage of fear they might have received, actually had nerves of steel. Or an unlimited supply of ingenuousness to ignore the risks. Many years later, in December 2016, I could observe it while crossing the Casamance on the way to Guinea-Bissau. For the reason of convenience, I was travelling with a group of Polish tourists. At one of the military check-points, there was a big, ugly-looking guy with a machine gun ready to shoot, strategically placed in such a way that he might hit our knees. He was just sitting there in the shadow, caressing lovingly the ammunition belt, and we had to walk right in front of him. I was the only one to have sensed any danger, even if I knew the probability he would actually shoot were scarce. Of course, the tourists were not afraid, because they simply had no knowledge of the fact we were stepping on a ground soaked with blood. I suppose none of them, including the Polish guide, was aware of the number of victims in various confrontations in the Casamance, or knew that we were actually only in a period of ceasefire, the Jola fighters having been temporarily requested by the neighbouring dictator. The ECOWAS intervention in the Gambia started barely a few days after we left the region. Incidentally, the dictator in question, Yahya Jammeh, was known to be a great friend of Polish tourists; he used to participate in the parties organised by the same travel agency. I suppose he would certainly miss the Poles during his dismal exile in Equatorial Guinea; unless one day the Poles choose to follow him there, unaware of the sheer existence of Mycobacterium leprae, since they believe infections are chiefly transmitted by Syrian refugees.
Sarcasm apart, and to put it shortly, our tourists in the Casamance, smiling broadly, were on holidays. Of course, I also met some French, Dutch and other nations; but they were goal-oriented, off-road travellers, seeking high levels of adrenaline or quenching their highly specific desires in the world-renowned brothels of Cap Skirring. While Pani Jadzia, the Polish lady with whom I happened to share a hotel room, was an unpretentious elderly person employed at a national martyrdom memorial. Yes, I shared a room in Cap Skirring with a widow working as a museum warden!...  

Continuing this digression on fear, I should say I am afraid of fascists, while not quite so afraid of terrorists. Nonetheless, in spite of my early passion for Egyptology, I have never travelled to Egypt (I have only crossed the Sinai once, on my way to Aqaba), even when it was a very common, easily available destination for Polish people. What I fear most are all forms of institutionalised violence. The first signs of the deterioration of the political climate in Poland made me positively alarmed; such was my urge to flee that I left everything and sought for a fellowship in western Europe; literally, as if the ground under my feet were smouldering. As far as I know, I was the only person doing so in my immediate circle of colleagues and academic friends. For most of them, as well as for the society in general, the well-known secret of cooking frogs might be illustrative: if one throws a frog into a pan filled with boiling water, it jumps out immediately; but if one puts the frog in a pan of cold water, heating it slowly, the frog gets cooked all right.
Confronted with the slow-motion, surreptitious deconstruction of the Polish democracy, I decided to emigrate. A wife of an American colleague asked me during a party if I would not fight for my country. I told her my country had not been invaded. What was going on was a free and completely autonomous fulfilment of the deepest and most desperate desire in people's hearts. To give a free rein to their contempt, spite and hatred, no matter what practical consequences or material costs it would imply. They were still the same people who spat on me when I was barely eleven, just because they saw me alone with a baby. They were crazy about "values" that might serve as reference points and desperately looking for the guidance of someone or something they might follow without questioning. The absolute submission, the masochistic pleasure of unconditional surrender was appealing to their instincts; no wonder why the gender question had such an importance in the melee; the depenalisation of the domestic violence was seriously debated; priests were glossing on the submission of women in their sermons. On the other hand, also the bare-footed protesters, whom I saw dragged on the passageways by the police, where playing their part in an ancestral ritual that I neither shared, admired nor wished to perpetuate. That of denouncing, on the heights of contempt, the inhumanity and barbarism of their adversaries. Spitting right into the faces of their oppressors certainly implied greater bravado than humiliating a child; but the fearful symmetry of attitudes left me deeply troubled. The Poles were giving a free rein to something intestinal. I refused to participate in the festival.

I suppose that my feelings toward the extreme right, often displaying fascist symbols openly, are perfectly understandable. On the other hand, the reasons of my distrust of the protesters may seem not so evident. What drew me away from them was a persistent impression of déjà vu. Another, much subtler form of oppression was implied in the very rituals of resistance, in the very gesture of taking off their shoes, in the very ostentation of their fragility and readiness for martyrdom, in the very expectation of being taken on award-winning photographs.
I had already seen it all before I turned fifteen, as a crude reality and through artistic lens. In 1987, the whole mechanism has been depicted in the comedy Kingsajz by Juliusz Machulski. The gnomes living in Szuflandia (Drawerland), a country located in an abandoned library catalogue hidden deep in the undergrounds of a Quaternary Research Institute, indulged in protesting against a tiny dictator. The fact that one of them was a chemist, rather than a typical 19th-century insurrectionist, introduced a significant trait of modernization into this Polish landscape in the undergrowth; we were missing such a modern approach in later times. Together with a fellow conspirator, Adaś, Olo strived to discover the Formula, enabling them to access the Kingsajz, the world of the fully grown. That meant to break, at the same time, the official monopoly reserving to a narrow elite the privilege of drinking “Polo-Cockta” (a rather mysterious brew, sold in the communist Poland as a local ersatz of the western Coca-Cola), that in the movie had the property of transforming the dwarfs into "king-sized" people.
Adaś and Olo presented an unmistakably Polish, Romantic mentality, conspiring against the tyrant and nurturing lofty dreams of freedom. There was certainly some greatness in a dwarf, especially at the moment when Olo, being asked: “What is this all about?” (“Ale o co tu chodzi?”), answered shortly: “It’s about freedom” (“O wolność”). In the genial interpretation of Jacek Chmielnik as Olo, the inflection given to the word was to assume, for a fraction of a second, all the past and present aspirations of the nation. The way Olo pronounced the word “freedom” contained the gist of the sublime concept in Polish culture. Yet there was also another unmistakably Polish trait in him, as he proudly expectorated on the executioner who was there to chop him with an egg cutter. Certainly, the spitting dwarfs in later times were rather on the side of popular classes supporting the new tiny tyranny, but I was under quite uncanny impression that they learned many of their gestures from a higher source. And what troubled me even more persistently was the feeling that there existed a symbiotic relationship between the dwarfs indulging in resistance and their tiny tyrants. As if they were partners in a game.
Definitely, there was more to worry me than just the ancestral ritual of spitting. The allegory of two scales, that of the gnomes and that of the fully grown people, translated the sensation of eternal minority nurtured by the Poles in relation to the higher, greater, more serious reality of “the West” (Zachód). It is westwards that the heroes tried to flee, but in the end they remained caught in their minor dimension. In the final scene of the film, the train that should take them to freedom became a toy speeding on a closed circuit of miniature rails across the lawn in front of the Palace of Culture and Science in Warsaw. Twenty years before the first electoral victory of "Law and Justice", Machulski predicted that we would be caught in the circle drawn by our own dwarfish mentality. There would be no Formula, no remedy to save us, no matter how genial our chemists were. This is why the tale of spitting dwarfs haunts me so persistently.
Also the figure of an apocalyptic rider of Poland is something that I saw on a movie; the only novelty in this essay is that I went perhaps deeper to the essentials, naming the four curses of our Apocalypse, Contempt, Mendacity, Ignorance and Delusion. But the apocalyptic rider clothed in black plastic waste-bin bags, still half a Roman soldier taken from an evangelical narration, appeared in 2006 in Wszyscy jesteśmy Chrystusami (We're all Christs) by Marek Koterski. As did the grim prediction of our guardian angel: "seven years shall not pass by..." ("siedem lat nie minie"). Before the end of that septennial period of prosperity, Koterski's hero was doomed to return to his former misery, no matter how hard he tried to change his life, and no matter how many fellowships in the United States he was awarded. A troubling memento.
Apparently, we were not seven, but twice as many years in the European Union, but the number, just as the hero's alcoholism, was merely symbolic. The Polish train seemed to be cursed to speed on its circular rail. As my self-preservation instincts had been so alert and well trained since my childhood, I was simply too scared to stay on board.
​

V.

I was born in a society of contempt that did not educate me to dignity. But I was reasonably well prepared for silence, exile and cunning. Aged fifteen, I was a punk, participating in a movement that gave those early times of freedom their particular taste; I crossed the country to participate in the famous festival in Jarocin. As I turned sixteen or seventeen, about the time of democratic transition in Poland, I belonged for some time to the Buddhist sangha that gathered for zen sessions in Falenica, a suburban district of Warsaw. At eighteen, as soon as I received my adult ID documents, I also made my first steps as entrepreneur; I registered my own tiny business, producing signboards and advertisements with decorative foils while I was still at school. This is how I could gain the sufficient for my needs and make small economies to help launch me in the future I desired.  
Compared to this glory of my teenage years, the studies in Romance philology at the local Maria Curie-Skłodowska University could only appear as dull and frustrating. It was a mediocre institution, adding very little to my previous fascinations. In terms of literary theory, structuralism was considered an advanced topic; five years later, in 1997, I was to leave that university, master degree in my pocket, without having ever heard in the classroom such names as Foucault, Deleuze or Derrida. But that was not the main problem in my deficient higher education. The major issue was something that later on I called world blindness. Not only a mere ignorance of basic facts concerning the world, but something more serious, a blindness generating delusion. One of them, that brought later on political consequences dragging Poland out of the European Union at the moment of the Syrian refugee crisis, concerned the Mediterranean. Recalling the way how I was taught, in 1994 or so, such an apparently simple and uncontroversial topic as contemporary French literature may be illustrative. At the university, we discussed in class such works as L'Immoraliste by André Gide, a book commonly read as a story of a paedophile in the context of colonial Algeria. As the hero, Michel, delves in his vice of loving beautiful children too much, his life falls into pieces, including his prospects of a brilliant academic career. Of course, the text that Gide published in 1902 evokes paedophilia and homosexuality only by allusions; the reader is expected to read between the lines, till the final collapse of the hero who, having absurdly decided to become braconnier, ends up as a victim of a handsome companion he desired. But the analysis we received in class gave no hint whatsoever in that direction. Who was the "immoralist" mentioned in the title? Well, one of the Algerian children whom Michel used to invite chez lui steal and surreptitiously destroyed a little pair of scissors. That was the immoralist in our reading, the nasty little Arab epitomising absolute evil and gratuitous destruction!...

The only thing I could do at my university was to study languages: not only French, but also Italian, Spanish and Portuguese. These are the roots of my polyglottism, that, as the years went by, increased far beyond the Romance range. Already as a teenager I used to get small bits of English and German on my own, just because I was such a responsible, future-oriented person; and small bits of Arabic, because I enjoyed crossing the limits; Russian was still compulsory at school. On the other hand, the adjective "Romance" meant something important to me, perhaps through art even more than through linguistic unity. This was where I belonged on the vast map of overlapping, pluriversal territories. ​
​So quite early in my life I knew something about eight or nine tongues. I smile when I meet people seriously persuaded that speaking several languages is a privilege of the rich, able to pay private schools and special courses. In fact, it is the most democratic of all skills; and I completely agree with the partisans of the USSR (uninterrupted sustained silent reading) as the key factor of educational success in any circumstances and under any conditions. If I could go to better schools or simply get more friendly attention, it might have helped me in social terms; I might have become more assertive about my skills; till the present day I often tend to speak clumsy English or stagger in languages in which I am quite fluent, just fearing social punishment for my mastery or to avoid putting myself above the level of other people. But initially, learning new tongues was not a social skill at all for me; foreign languages were precisely what other people could not access. Foreign speech was protecting my inner world from intrusion. It used to be a private sphere of mine, an intimate solace, an additional insulation against troubles and matters going on around me. For a long time, I was fluent in none of these languages; except Polish of course; I managed to speak and write it in a rich, correct way. But even this was by no means so very obvious, given my social background; it helped me a lot early in my adult life, when I started working in the editorial business. 
Even more importantly, speaking Portuguese turned out to be my salvation, enabling me to get out of my limiting, local sphere, and study abroad. Portugal offered two or three scholarships in the framework of the newly established collaboration with Eastern Europe, and I managed to get one of these; TEMPUS was also a great novelty of the time. Even if Lisbon, where I found myself for the first time in 1993, was not exactly the intellectual capital of Europe, it was incomparably better than anything I could find at my home university. So I went to the University of Lisbon three or four times during my undergraduate studies, at the price of an acute conflict with my professors in Lublin. During all those years of communism, they could never go abroad themselves, and they treated the new knowledge I brought from the West as a threat to their authority. Today, I do understand their fragility; but I managed to comprehend it fully only at the time when I tried myself to meddle in the ERASMUS MUNDUS agreements with Morocco; it was exactly the same problem of new knowledge biting at old, patriarchal structures. At the time, it was a wound, cutting very deep into my flesh.
Overall, I look nostalgically back to the nineties as it was a good time for Poland. Academically, it was the beginning of a luminous path leading upwards, at least for us who were young at the time to glean all those research grants and new opportunities. I could appreciate it fully only when the trend turned downwards again, and the Polish academic circles started to close and collapse upon themselves, frustrated by the unfulfilled promise of unhindered participation in the scholarly high-life of Western Europe. Evidently, the septennial term that our cursing angel had given to us was too short a period to build up consistent scholarship. It was only a brief and relative respite in the realm of ignorant authoritarians.


VI.

It was also only later on that I could appreciate something else: the fact that socially I had very little to do with the intelligentsia, a caste self-appointed as the spiritual guide of the Polish nation. My father was a simple worker; my mother, a modest schoolmistress of peasant extraction, aspired to it without ever integrating it fully, even if she went as far as trying to invent her own roots narration, made of incongruities such as a tomb of a noble grandfather in a forgotten cemetery somewhere in Eastern Poland, and the claim of having been a domestic worker employed by a locally reputed scientist, Laura Kaufman, who - as I cared to check, years later - actually existed, lived in Lublin, taught at the Academy of Agriculture, produced new races of poultry (here comes the hen again), and died the very year when I was born; nonetheless, even as a child, I could not persuade myself into believing that my mother had ever met her. I think that creating this imaginary narration was her response to my own early interest in science; she found no other way of dealing with it. Quite characteristically, the fact that even in her imaginary story my mother proved utterly unable to invent herself in any other role than just being the scientist's chamber maid tells a lot about class distinctions in a supposedly class-free society of the communist Poland. 
There exists an untranslatable Polish word, zakłamanie, signifying a sort of generalised mendacity, the saturation of reality with lies, to such a degree that one becomes uncertain of the actual existence of the ground beneath one's feet. Silencing certain facts, living as if certain things did not exist, creating parallel realities instead, zakłamanie was a magical response to situations beyond anyone's effective control; it was a strategy of survival. I tend to associate it with the intelligentsia in the first place, but perhaps this is not entirely just; the intelligentsia only brought this art to its utter accomplishment. The word is usually used in the political context to designate, in the first place, all kinds of ideologically motivated manipulation, but I believe there is also an intimate dimension of the phenomenon; it explains my doubts concerning the veracity of those roots narrations involving governesses and imperial dragomans that different people used to tell me, and more, the veracity of the very narration of her life that my own mother left to me. It sinks in the void and disruption. I do believe she must have read about Laura Kaufman in a newspaper.
​By the way, this incredulity was fully reciprocated later on, since my mother could not believe that I actually received all those scholarships in Portugal. She spoke no foreign language; she never travelled. It was absolutely beyond her capacity of understanding that I had sent some letters somewhere abroad, and some letters came from a country beyond her horizon, and I just received enough money to live many months and to return with a bag full of new clothes, still having something in my pocket. I dare not enquire what kind of hypothesis she might have built up in relation to the origin of these funds. Nonetheless, what I have just said permits to delineate the logic explaining why my academic success became for my family not a reason to feel proud, but on the contrary, an unspeakable, shameful secret. Tragically, zakłamanie leads people to complete and lasting disorientation in the reality they can by no means disentangle. 

At a much earlier stage of this trajectory, my mother also taught me some of the basic principles of the intelligentsia, such as: BOOKS SHOULD NEVER BE THROWN AWAY. It was a sacrilege to destroy a book. Years later, when she retired, she abandoned all the prejudices of the class in which she never achieved more than the status of a catechumen. She burned in a stove most of the books that remained in my family home. I managed to save one, the best book, as I remember from my childhood, that had ever belonged to her. It was a handsome edition of Conrad's Lord Jim. Any of her friends or colleagues must have presented it for her birthday. She knew not what to do with it. I suppose it had never actually occurred to her that she might read it. No wonder the fact that I was reading my books caused her anxiety. Once she asked me to give her one of those. I brought her Eliade's Maitreyi (the novel translated into English as Bengal Nights), that I considered at the time as my favourite reading. It was the only instance I knew positively that my mother had read a book. She was deeply shocked by its contents. She had never imagined the sheer possibility of living in a different culture, such as was that of the young Maitreyi. The book appeared to her as full of strange errors; everything was monstrously wrong in it, it was an abomination. I suppose this was exactly the state of the mind of many people keen to burn entire libraries across history. Also my mother fulfilled her own incendiary ambition in the tiny scale of a cast-iron stove. 

As I have never belonged to the intelligentsia, I could avoid the greatest flaw of this class issued from pauperised nobility: the sloth, their inborn incapacity of hard work (although many of its representatives share a firm, yet rather grotesque belief that they work their fingers to the bone). It was this essential flaw that made the Polish academic system stagnate, especially in the eighties, when the resistance to communism occupied the place of any scholarly endeavour whatsoever. The sense of mission the intelligentsia cultivated apparently excluded the necessity of any effort in search of knowledge; they knew well enough what was "right" and "true"; they had strong beliefs and values beyond the necessity of critical examination. The concomitant fact that they had adopted zakłamanie as their strategy of survival contributed to the intellectual failure of the entire caste. For in the scholarship, one constantly deals with a form of critical examination or another; inveterate habits of mendacity combined with strong beliefs necessarily contradict the requirements of the scholarly profession.
While I was reading my books, preferably in any of those languages I had learnt, the members of the intelligentsia just were, existed, endured (certain resonances of the Polish verb trwać are beyond any possible translation into English), entrenched and self-sufficient in their persuasion that gratia gratis data had been bestowed upon them for the salvation of the nation. The books they did not read endured with them as a part of the "substance" (another untranslatable concept) that should be protected and preserved at any cost; I should be grateful to them, for it meant precisely those public libraries where I found my refuge. Two decades later, they could return to their true selves again when a new opportunity of resistance appeared. Or rather, was created by a kind of schizophrenic splitting of the minds when the intelligentsia was lacerated between her instinct of dissent and her alma naturaliter endeciana (expression coined by Czesław Miłosz that, by decency, I refuse to render explicit). Finally, they could forget the books they had been preserving. They could dedicate themselves to the Protest, something they always conceived as far bigger and greater than reading books. It was in this exercise that I left them in 2018, when I resigned from the University of Warsaw to face a career of international scholarship.


VII.

As already mentioned, I went to Portugal for the first time in 1993 to participate in a summer school at the University of Lisbon. Soon it became my priority to return, simply because it was the only way out of the limiting and oppressive atmosphere of Lublin. My undergraduate studies were financed first by the TEMPUS programme and then by the Instituto Camões. In 1998-1999, having already been employed as a lecturer of Portuguese at the Jagiellonian University in Kraków, I participated in a postgraduate Comparative Literature programme with a fellowship offered by the Calouste Gulbenkian Foundation. At the same time, I completed my Ph.D. dissertation on contemporary Portuguese literature, defended in June 1999. I studied domestic universes created by such writers as Vergílio Ferreira, Carlos de Oliveira, Sophia de Mello Breyner, Lídia Jorge and Teolinda Gersão. But my Gulbenkian Scholarship helped me for more than just this. I could participate in the postgraduate programme in Comparative Literature (Mestrado em Literatura Comparada) at the University of Lisbon, which completely changed my perspective on the relationship between literature and other modalities, such as visual representation of the world in art. I was also working on the paradoxical topic of Orientalism in Portuguese literature, that appeared to me as quite an original phenomenon, at the same time participating in and falling apart from the general, European paradigms.
The Lisbon I knew was complex. I would not say postcolonial; it was still a picturesque colonial metropolis against the grain of the history, full of people coming from the four corners of the empire: African soldiers of the Portuguese army brought from Bissau after the end of the colonial war, women wearing bright, multicoloured capulanas, the colonisers themselves, some of them, elderly, still using vintage style pith helmets against the Portuguese sun. The refugees from Timor, with the air of Barbarian long-haired warriors in everything but their stature (they were very short guys), were relative newcomers and their presence proved to be ephemeral. Nonetheless, when I was writing my Ph.D. dissertation, the manifestations of solidarity with Timor-Lorosae were the fashion of the day; music was played on the lawn in front of the Salazarian buildings of the University of Lisbon; white clothes were worn; even the traffic used to be stopped at noon for a quarter of an hour of solidarity. It was also the moment when Macao officially ceased to be a Portuguese outpost, but the Chinese who some years later would take practically all the city centre for themselves, their souvenir shops and their small businesses were still yet-to-come. I found myself in the middle of the Chinese New Year celebration only much later, when I was writing one of my subsequent books, Imperium i nostalgia. Be as it may, much of what I am now should be seen as a product of that city at that particular moment in its history. The colonial Lisbon that brought her empire home is in my blood, indelibly inscribed in my sense of the planet as a familiar place, that might seem so very surprising were I to be taken for a Pole. 
During those Portuguese years, I started to see myself as a traditional comparativist, following the footsteps of George Steiner. I tried hard to equal him in erudition and even to fill some of his confessed lacunae. Errata, published in 1997, was a fresh book at the time, and it was still early for the Grammars of Creation, that appeared in 2001; I had absolutely no hint of the death of the discipline that was to be announced by Gayatri Spivak. Perhaps because my own comparative literature had never been truly Europocentric. It was the aspiration, a glorious dream of erudition and insight, something bigger and greater, contrasting with simplicity and narrowness of the Portuguese studies. Even if I had some very good professors in Lisbon; I shall never forget the Baroque classes of Margarida Vieira Mendes or the seminar on Fernando Pessoa given by Fernando Martinho. What is even more curious, I had classes in African Lusophone literature with Inocencia Mata, an essayist from the archipelago of Sao Tome and Principe that later on became one of the leading, or at least the most conspicuous, African Portuguese-speaking intellectuals.

​The time I spent in Lisbon was happy, productive, smooth, pervaded with the smell of eucalyptus trees. I was finally out of the madhouse of my family home, although a considerable amount of inherited folly obviously accompanied me all the way across Europe. No one steps dry out of a river. But I managed to make a life for myself. I got a stable academic employment and could move out of the oppressive world of Lublin, to live up to my liking in Kraków. In 2004, I managed to buy a tiny flat; a few months later, I decided to dislodge the boyfriend I had at the time, and since that moment I have been proudly protecting my Woolfian right to "a room of my own". Any men that might appear in my life were asked to stay outside. 
Lusophone studies as a discipline were to become the serious part of my life, permitting me to settle down smoothly with a stable academic employment at the Jagiellonian University. Intellectually, it left me unsatisfied. I engaged into the Oriental studies, but I could follow the curriculum only for several months; it was simply too hard to continue, teaching full time in my own Romance philology department. Also my academic superiors regarded this situation as very irregular, hurting the strict hierarchical rules according to which students and teachers were separate categories; and even more, because they were unable to see any meaningful connection between the Iberian and the Arab worlds (sic!). The head of my department, a Hispanicist specialised in the Spanish Golden Age, asked me with scorn: "Will you compare Arab and Portuguese novels?". For her, in her closed Catholic horizon, such an endeavour was a patent nonsense. Such an ignorance was not uncommon, still is, even in the leading Polish universities. 
On the other hand, I also started thinking about my habilitation immediately after the doctorate, and I wanted to advance with this work as well. Nonetheless, I believe the passage by Oriental studies was an important step in my formation, as important and defining as all my Portuguese adventures. Later on, perhaps as an untimely consolation, I reached the conclusion that it was even better for me to abandon those standard university courses; I was to make my own way in the discipline. Be as it may, right now as I write these words, I still consider that Oriental studies are, have always been, my intellectual destiny. 
In the meanwhile, the circumstances were such that I had to develop my Portuguese specialisation in the first place. From 1999 to 2006, I taught both the language and literature in response to the necessities of the newly created Jagiellonian University's curriculum in Portuguese philology. I also contributed with several basic publications that were lacking on the Polish book market: a practical introduction to the Portuguese grammar (1997), a presentation of the contemporary Portuguese literature (2000), as well as a translation of a history of Portugal (2000). The general appreciation of the Portuguese culture has been given in yet another book: my post-doctoral dissertation on spatial conceptualisations in the Portuguese literature and cultural imagination, since the end of the Middle Ages, throughout the expansion and the imperial era, till the contemporaneity (2003).
As it always happens in Poland, the accelerated pace of my career made me both loved and hated. The appreciation came in 2002 with a prestigious starting grant of the Foundation for Polish Science. It used to distinguishes yearly a hundred researchers in different fields of knowledge that managed to make themselves visible before they turned thirty. I also designed and successfully coordinated a comparative research project on islands and insularity financed by the Committee of Scientific Research (KBN), gathering a dozen of colleagues specialised in French, Italian, Spanish and Catalan studies. Another volume, a presentation of the 19th c. Portuguese literature, remained unpublished for many years. Much later, I included this material in a volume prepared for Ossolineum that I finally managed to complete with my second Gulbenkian fellowship, in 2016-2017. But the presentation of the Brazilian literature that I also elaborated during those laborious years was offered to the readers after a shorter delay, in 2010, included in a volume on the history of Ibero-American literature that I prepared with Nina Pluta. In the meanwhile, my personal interests going beyond extensive presentations of literary history were reflected in a monograph on José Saramago, Pokusa pustyni (Temptation of the Desert). This book, published in 2005, remained for many years the clue of my bibliography. It was a step beyond the traditional literary history into the domain of High Humanities, as I could see them from my perspective at the time. The book was full of Buber, Benjamin and Lévinas, and, as I see it even today, the result was quite remarkable, at least in the bibliography of a writer who was usually studied in a rather superficial way. Pity it was written in Polish. 
What is more, I still had to deal with mediocrity, flourishing also in the bosom of the most prestigious among the Polish universities. As the Portuguese studies hardly ever existed before, it was an area open to all sorts of opportunists, especially when the Portuguese official instances came in with all sorts of rewards and distinctions. I have never received any. Rather to the contrary. My immediate superior in the academic hierarchy, a Hispanicist legitimizing her position by advanced age and a tiny booklet on Baltasar Gracián (the same who found no common denominator between Arab and Portuguese novels), saw the flow of my publications as a challenge to her authority. In an atmosphere of open hostility, I resigned from my post at the Institute of Romance Philology. On the other hand, it would be unjust and ungrateful to forget that many people noticed the inappropriateness of what was going on in my case (mobbing is the contemporary term for it; we did not use such words at that time). The fact that I was distinguished with a 2nd class award by the Rector of the Jagiellonian University in autumn 2006, i.e. right after my resignation, proves that a certain will to redress the wrongs had been present. Nonetheless, this story of a scholar forced to resign for having published an important book may seem incredible in the eyes of a Western reader. Yet it is a typical Polish story, repeated - although with significant variations - a decade later when I was to leave the University of Warsaw.
 
Till the present day, I have published something like six books and eighty academic papers in Portuguese and Lusophone studies, without counting such things as translations or language manuals. As for the Eastern European standards, this is a major body of writing; but since my resignation at the Jagiellonian University, I have never taught either Portuguese or any other Lusophone literature again. And if of anything may I be certain in this life, I am certain that I won't ever be employed in any department of Lusophone studies in Poland. My title of full professor – the only Polish full professor properly specialized in this area – does not change anything. It may seem paradoxical, even unbelievable, but at a closer look everything becomes perfectly understandable. Among those people who have been active, during the last twenty years, in the Lusophone area at five or so Polish universities, nobody can claim to have authored such publications as to comfortably stand a comparison with mine; perhaps except Wojciech Charchalis who may feel proud for his extensive portfolio of translations in contemporary Portuguese literature. Those people as a collectivity are profoundly interested in conserving the status quo; the recognition of my sheer existence as a Lusitanist would introduce a completely new set of parameters in this domain.
Just to give an example, the person who drew immediate benefit of my removal from the area was a colleague who hardly spoke any Portuguese at all at the time, and who nonetheless became the “big boss” of the Cátedra Vergílio Ferreira created, under the auspices of the Portuguese ministry, at the Jagiellonian University just months after they got rid of me. A position that he occupies till the present day, even if he has never published any book, not even a serious research paper, on anything connected to Portuguese culture. These facts are easy to verify, but no one has ever cared to do so, either in Poland or in Portugal.
Such paradoxes bolster the specific academic culture of Poland, in which it is by no means clear that prestige or institutional importance are connected to competence or research achievements in any palpable way. This is something that existed long before the government of “Law and Justice” and its so-called reform of Polish universities. Patently, the books and research papers I published did not make me a head of any department of Portuguese studies or anything of the kind. For BOOKS are not what matters. What matters is WHO YOU ARE. My successful colleague chose to build up a persona of a diplomat, without much verifiable grounding in his real curriculum vitae; lacking facts were more than sufficiently compensated by largely invented, yet picturesque details. On the other hand, who was I? Little more than a petty whore. There was a time when Lusophone milieus indulged in all kinds of scabrous anecdotes referring presumably to my private life. They also tried to establish an editorial blockade of my writings, producing a series of quite memorable peer-reviews. They never succeeded completely, but the fact explains why many of my texts had been published ten, fifteen, even twenty years after they were originally conceived.
As I evoke the mental image of my Cracovian colleague, I just cannot imagine him doing any research, going to any library, carrying around any books; he is totally not that kind of person, not even trying to impersonate a scholarly or intellectual figure. He is far beyond such trivialities, and he is right – how far did my own scholarly figure take me? In the Polish academic system, he is irremovable, his position is of an iron stability. For more than a decade now, he is the boss, people look to him with admiration and awe. In 2016, he was invited to evaluate my candidature for the official academic title of professor. How grateful should I be to him that he has reviewed me positively?
​


VIII.

In 2006, both my research activities and the professional duties took a completely different turn. Having left the Jagiellonian University, but still living in Kraków, I became associate professor in an interdisciplinary institute, transformed later on into the Faculty "Artes Liberales" of the University of Warsaw. For an entire decade, I continued working on a temporary contract with this institution, getting up at 4 am and travelling 400 km back and forth. I suppose all my academic career would look very different by now if I managed to go abroad directly from Kraków. In 2005, I applied to the Humboldt Foundation, yet unsuccessfully. In the meanwhile, Warsaw appeared as an alternative, a new beginning, and made me refrain from trying harder to get a foreign fellowship. Later on, it proved to be a crucial mistake, perhaps the biggest mistake of my entire academic career. But initially I was hopeful about Warsaw. These were still the last years of the upward trend in Poland.
Undoubtedly, it was a significant step towards the diversification of my experience. My teaching activities switched to the area of Mediterranean studies that I had always fancied and, at the same time, to a transdisciplinary vision. One of the subjects I was teaching throughout most of this period was the "Philosophy of Culture". The name was not of my making; it was taken from the official guidelines for Cultural Studies curricula in Poland; I suppose the persons who coined it were entirely unaware of its neo-Kantian resonance; what they meant to say was just "Cultural Theory". So the aim of this course was to introduce the students into a panorama of recent tendencies in the humanities; its contents were changing gradually over the years to accompany new books and emerging ideas. As teaching is the best way of learning, this is how I caught up the ever-changing flow of the humanities, while the Polish academic milieu continued a slow, anachronistic digestion of all what happened abroad approximately during the decade 1980. Around 2013 or 2014, I tried to dissuade a couple of Ph.D. students from adopting Freudian psychoanalysis (sic!) as the key of their research. In vain. There were other, more prominent voices speaking louder in their intellectual environment; how could they hearken to my advice? I solemnly averred that, to the best of my knowledge, AD 2014 psychoanalysis was a complete anachronism. They simply did not believe me.
By the way, in Warsaw, I was initially keeping a low profile. In 2006, as a participant of a collective research project, "Silent Intelligentsia", I exploited once more my Portuguese competence in a study concerning the postcolonial emergence of African elites, distractedly called "African intelligentsia", for in Poland it was still impossible to capture things in any more appropriate or adequate terms. Following the dynamics of the Varsovian centre, involved - under not quite clear patronage - in manifold activities directed towards the post-Soviet space, I participated in some projects dedicated to the autochthonous peoples of Siberia; this is where I got my two Buryat Ph.D. students, slowly working on their dissertations, officially under my supervision, ever since. Overall, in 2010-2016, I was a member of the faculty for two doctoral programs: "Traditions of the Mediterranean Humanism and the Challenges of our Times", financed by the Foundation for Polish Science, and "Searching for Identity", designed mostly, but not exclusively, for the Russian-speaking Ph.D. students and TEMPUS AURORA scholarship holders that flocked at the University of Warsaw.
Still, there was little space for promoting any groundbreaking research in this context. It was extremely hard to break through the mental habits of the Ph.D. candidates coming from the post-Soviet space, and perhaps even harder to speak as loud as other colleagues who accepted their own anachronism and transmitted it to their successors, unchallenged. On the other hand, my original contribution to the program "Traditions of the Mediterranean Humanism", that might have been a good grounding for my further research in Andalusian precedents of the transcultural condition, was deleted from the agenda due to the absence of suitable candidates prepared to work on those topics. Millions spent by the Foundation for Polish Science on this program led to a stalemate, producing, in the spirit of innovation indefatigably advertised, a streak of more or less anachronistic dissertations speaking extensively of Sigmund Freud and similar matters. One of them under my own supervision.
The concept of the Mediterranean implied in the programs where I was formally teaching deserves a commentary. The curriculum called "Cultural Studies - Mediterranean Civilisation" had been created through a simple operation of label change, based on a decadent Classical Philology fallen short of students. The new name sounded more attractive, relaxing and sunny, but nobody intended to make serious area studies out of it. Shortly speaking, it was a smooth, civilised Mediterranean without Arabs, Berbers, Turks and similar complications; the levels of Islamophobia both among the faculty and in the general society were staggering. In the meanwhile, also philology somehow drained out of it; what remained was an empty carcass. No wonder the "Mediterranean Civilisation" came down to empty classroom once more. 


IX.

Overall, those years at the University of Warsaw form my "lost decade"; they were predominantly a period of dispersion and serendipity. I worked as a supernumerary in diverse collective initiatives, while other colleagues - those sufficiently mediocre as not to challenge the power relations in the institution - were officially anointed as "the natural leaders". My former achievements were completely overlooked, and I was usually treated as a kind of non-qualified helping force, an academic handmaid employed indiscriminately wherever my presence was regarded as ornamental. This treatment based on simple ignoring, making a round zero out of everything I had done or published, became the reason of my subsequent resignation, but I must confess that for some time I just enjoyed frolicking around instead of serious academic work. During the spring semester of the academic year 2013/2014, I organised a course on falconry as an experiment in human/animal studies (in private, falconry used to serve me, occasionally, as a secret key to Arabia). Somehow obstinately, I continued with this topic in the framework of the doctoral program "On the crossroad of nature and culture", even if falconry, which is after all about hunting, killing and meat eating, was seen as a scandal in the light of the lofty ethics of Anthropozoology, progressively merging in dilettantish, sterile debates indefatigably promoted by the authoritarian dean of the Faculty "Artes Liberales".
I distinctly remember one of the last moments of my participation in those newfangled rituals of interdisciplinarity, excellence and innovation. It was during a summer workshop in the national park of Biebrza swamps, that by the way happened to be exceptionally dry that year. Comfortably installed in a research centre among marshes and forests, my colleagues started discussing the resurrection of the non-human primates and their place in the City of God, passing later on to the idea of building a bridge in the Maasai Mara in such a way that gnu antelopes might safely cross the river full of crocodiles. They were deeply persuaded that what they were doing was promoting an excellent, interdisciplinary, advanced scholarship. At a given moment, an elderly, distinguished art historian who was also spending the excess of her time in the workshop, noticed my website, that I had used for some presentation. "Ah, ewa-lukaszyk.com", she exclaimed with scorn, accentuating the ".com". Who was I to have a website like this? Pathetic. I was only a handmaid, a supernumerary. There was such a calmness and brightness outside, a flock of cranes crossed the sky. What was I doing there? In a sudden illumination, I saw all my inadequacy, all the grotesque of my presence among those all-too-excellent persons. It was as an outcome of that workshop that I went first to Portugal, then to France, and then decided never to return.
Certainly, there was more than just an insult in that crucial workshop. Done with the bridge in the Maasai Mara, an eminent colleague, former paleontologist reincarnating in the domain of animal ethics, went on arguing that during their celebrations, Muslims cut the throats of sheep and goats as a way of preparing themselves for cutting the throats of their human fellows. "Discuss with them!", ordered the dean. As there was also a bishop of the Catholic Church present on this occasion, we might eventually improvise a quite lengthy debate on the significance of the Mount Moriah and the Binding of Isaac. But there was something else as well. Perhaps we ought to discuss Gayatri Spivak's essay Can the Subaltern Speak? and its pertinence in the Polish academia. Since it was very clear that the subalterns could, first of all, be made to speak. I just shut my mouth wide.

Krzysztof Zanussi's classical movie, Barwy ochronne (Camouflage), spoke of very similar problems as early as 1977. The patriarchal structure of the academic milieu was persuasively depicted. Yet another, much more complex aspect was shown as well. There was the crucial scene in which the young linguists tried to grapple, in a supposedly subversive way, with the question of arbitrary vs non-arbitrary nature of the linguistic sign. Designating oblong and angular shapes with words of an invented language, they reached the conclusion that was quite opposite to the one generally admitted: that angular things just had to sound angular in any language, while the oblong things were to be designated by names sounding smooth and inoffensive. But of course, what they took for an epistemological revolution was but a great nonsense.
​In 2015, many new elements were to be added to Zanussi's diagnosis. The basic structure of power, at the core of his cinematographic narration, was apparently shaken by the irruption of the Western academic standards. One of the problematic nodes in Zanussi's movie was the intrinsic value of the ideas, their essential truthfulness, no matter by whom or in what context they were announced, i.e. beyond their eventual role in local academic wars. But a new problem arose in the meanwhile: that of distinguishing between a valid, useful concept and a nonsense, an important piece of knowledge and a meaningless, distorted repetition of an idea imported from an external intellectual centre. My adventures with human/animal studies, as they were (mis)construed in Warsaw, illustrate this new range of problems. The absence of critical judgement applied to such ideas as that of building a bridge for the antelopes in the Maasai Mara or that of Muslims allegedly cultivating the art of throat-cutting was not derived from sheer ignorance, a simple, primary state of the human mind. Such problems were the result of chaotic and misleading information, as well as the frontal clash of the Polish mind against the complexity of international humanities.
This is how a kind of inverted dynamics of knowledge acquisition arose: more time one spent at the university, in such workshops and conference sessions as I have mentioned above, greater was the load of distorted ideas one received, till the final collapse. Confronted with a new nonsense, one was able to integrate it instantaneously in one's mental structures. One just swallowed it, antelopes and Muslims alike. That was a new version of the magical Murti-Bing's pill from The Captive Mind. It had nothing to do with ideology any longer, yet the bliss it provided might be quite similar; refusing it remained a question of survival. Not only intellectual, but also moral.

With the allusion to Murti-Bing and The Captive Mind, what I have said above sounds like a piece of extremely severe criticism. But once again, I would like to stress the difference between patriarchal structures and personal responsibilities of people involved in their reproduction. At the personal level, my feelings towards them have always been ambivalent; even if there is a distinct danger in pitying one's tyrant. Be as it may, my anthropozoological dean had quite a few humane traits. One of them, that I found particularly endearing, was the importance he used to attribute to the story of Hugh Lofting's Doctor Dolittle and his ability of speaking to the animals. I also had this book in my childhood (thanks God the intelligentsia did not use to throw their books; someone presented me with two second-hand, illustrated volumes). Another humane treat was my dean's love of Africa; he used to spend his vacations in a hotel in Kenya, claiming of having been accepted into a herd of colobus monkeys. Somehow, I might be able to resonate with the echos of that remote colonial childhood, once lived in dreams against dismal history and then revisited in the old age. But how could I render the surreal atmosphere in which that faculty was immersed?
It is an archaic instinct to pity old men, and there are many archaisms in the story I try to express in modern English. In fact, they were two at the core of my faculty, both coming from illustrious families, sons of fathers who made themselves significant in the national culture. And yet the rupture of cultural continuity was clearly, tragically to be seen. It is a paradox that their manners were extremely unpleasant, and that was in the eyes of someone as casual, paying as little attention to the forms as myself. I suppose that for many people lucky enough to have been brought up in homes without a hen in the balcony their ways would be quite simply inadmissible. Yes, the manners of those two aristocrats were defective; for manners are essentially founded on respect toward the fellow human being. As a consequence, what may the savoir-vivre become in a society of contempt? They understood their role at the university in terms of disciplining other people; and of course, when they tried to discipline someone much more committed to the intellectual work than themselves, the result naturally tended toward the grotesque. But there was more than just this. They created a sort of self-congratulatory discourse, in which their faculty was invariably presented as unique, experimental, interdisciplinary (an abstract quality that for them was roughly synonymous with "excellent"). Of course, this excellence was yet another instance of the specific confabulation that I have already mentioned, serving the Poles to create the worlds they lived in. Sheer shamelessness with which they boasted their imaginary greatness made it real. To see things as they were would require a certain amount of insight, attention, experience, knowledge, critical thinking. Very few people in Poland could spare such a mental potential. Most of them simply subscribed for the delusion.
In the meantime, what used to make my dean so unpleasant was his habit of manipulating people; he treated them like the sand on a human beach where he was constantly building his ephemeral castles (or, as he liked to call it, "structures"); of course, as individuals, they represented very little, contrasted with his grandiose vision. As a last resource, he was always ready to belittle anyone for his or her incompetence in ancient Greek. But in general, his strategies of marginalization were so unsophisticated that they would be dismissed for infantile in a group of teenagers. Just to give an example: it happened once that a colleague of mine handed him a special issue of a journal, telling: "Look, this is the volume Ewa has prepared"; my name was on the cover. He took it, threw a contemptuous glance and said: "I don't see Łukaszyk here, I see..." (here he put the name of a different colleague, one who enjoyed his favor). Did he really believe that the letters printed on a book cover would suddenly shimmer and take the shape of quite a different name, just because he refused to acknowledge my achievement? Did it actually happen in the minds of people present at the scene?
Certainly, there was something desperate in such attempts at bewitching the reality. I do not believe he had especially bad intentions toward me; on the contrary, he would be very glad to see me in his little retinue; but had no sufficient means to buy me. What else he was supposed to do? He could not simply put up with my books; where would it lead? Would he be forced to recognize me one day as his equal? Such a thing was inadmissible, unthinkable, incompatible with his mentality of a petty warlord.

The other aristocrat, former ambassador, seemed to squeeze respect out of people with no intention of reciprocating it; at least not till the moment he saw me recognized abroad, for I must recon that his attitude changed in the later years. He was quite a laborious scholar, publishing as much as myself; in any other situation it might have created a certain sense of comradeship; but for many years it was prodigious to observe the amount of energy he used to dispense on maintaining the female in her subaltern position. Scholar son of a scholar, he was among the happy few who could go to Paris in the sixties and seventies; during his stay in France, he had allegedly been a disciple of Braudel; at least the term "civilization" was recurrent in his vocabulary from then on; he spent long periods in Spain and in the United States. Yet in many moments, his manners used to bring to my mind an old sheikh, one of those belonging to the first generation of the oil, somewhere in central Arabia. Deep down in his heart, he was a non-European, not to say a child of Asia stack to the window pane of Europe, a shop full of trinkets he direly desired having no means to acquire them truly as his own; his deep convictions of what was "right" and "true", convictions beyond the range of critical examination, made him dramatically alien and incompatible in relation to Western scholarship. I suppose that, to a certain degree, he was tragically conscious of his position, yet unable to give up his fundamental persuasions; in any case, he often seemed to me keen to compensate this inferiority, to invert it. In spite of his hidden admiration and envy of my reckless familiarity with Western Europe (a familiarity he failed to build up, although he had as many opportunities as myself), for a long time he treated me as swołocz, savagery trying to occupy the space that was essentially not destined to socially inferior people like me. No matter how many languages I spoke and how many books I authored, swołocz had to be maintained under control; it costed him an effort of constant vigilance. But perhaps I should withdraw these comments, or at least forgive him, because I have said, his attitude toward me changed at a given moment. At least he noticed there was something about me that required and justified such a change. Many other people did not.
Shortly speaking, I regret that, although apparent collaborators, we were Barbarians for each other. Yet for all these reasons and more, he has always been in my eyes a profoundly tragic figure, an inteligent (he cultivated an acute sense of his caste identity) fallen out of the Shakespearean gallery. Certainly, there was a human sympathy in all this. As explained above, I wasn't on speaking terms with my own grandfather; in any case, he might not be able to tell me much, in intellectual terms. The old aristocrat assumed, in a way, the role of a shadow grandfather of mine, epitomizing precisely that Polish-ness that remained unreconciled with my own European-ness, as well as that intelligentsia at odds with the swołocz. As I have suggested, in intellectual terms, he might possibly admire me more than I admired him; I was always very critical of his views and his writings, but a certain sense of the tragic accompanied me in all that. In fact, it always puzzled me how he could write so badly; he authored some six hundred publications, including thirty books, enough, in any case, to learn how to write by sheer exercise. Yet his discourse was often vague, opaque, to the point of keeping the reader in complete darkness, not only as to his intentions, but even as to the very matter he pretended to discuss. On many occasions, I literally had no clue whatsoever to guess what he was talking about (for instance, there was a period he went on claiming that "strangers are good to be eaten"; till the present day, I ignore what he actually meant by this, where this cannibalistic credo was taken from, what kind of provocation it was supposed to constitute). Of course, such an elliptical discourse disqualified him as an academic author, according to Western criteria. But I wondered whether that vagueness, that obscure allusiveness wasn't simply a lingering reminder of a long gone strategy of dogging the censorship. As an academic author, he might be the equivalent of those combatants from Vietnam in American movies, still walking as if they dragged their boots in the mud, when the war was over and the mud was no more. But sometimes I also wondered whether there might have been an even more sinister meaning in all this: intelligentsia in the full exercise of her absolute power over discourse, exerting symbolical oppression by sheer quantity of things being said, her discourse generating machine put at full speed, washing out everything and everyone on her way, without feeling the slightest necessity of restraining her verbosity or reflecting critically on whatever had been said. Still more horrifying was to think that, with my own two hundred messy publications, I might be heading toward just the same intellectual destiny. That I was implied, much against my will, in the same Polish race toward final collapse.
This is why I found it personally important to contribute to a volume in my colleague's honor, and I wrote for him a bitter, similarly allusive text, in the way of a postcard from Amsterdam and Bissau. On freedom, on reading books, on Polish intelligentsia... I might like to have called him a friend... Were it possible to befriend an inteligent through a window pane...


X.

But there are still a great deal of other things to mention before I close the Varsovian chapter. It is true that my Portuguese competence had been completely forgotten, to such a degree that one day a student asked me if by chance I was a daughter of Ewa Łukaszyk the author of all those books about Portugal. My paradoxical status could only be compared to that of the academic sweeper of the fallen cherry blossom in one of Terry Pratchett's novels. On the other hand, it gave me unexpected freedom to reinvent myself as something else than a simple continuation of my academic profile.
Occasionally, I collaborated with the research group created by a serious scholar of my generation working on endangered languages and their revitalization. I would truly respect her but for her thumb; she was a promissory ethnohistorian of Mexico, distinguished with an ERC Starting Grant (one of the few we ever had in Poland); having offered her guru-dakshina to someone who had never been her teacher, she progressively forgot the Aztecs and became a revitalize of the Vilamovian language, dedicating the greater part of her time to folklore and color. But I do admire her working capacity and dedication, clearly setting her apart from her Braminic caste of intelligentsia. Meanwhile, as I say this, the reader might be curious to discover who was the favoured pupil of Drona, the Arjuna of Warsaw, the divine archer. I regret to say it was truly a heartbreaking figure, an ERC Consolidator grantee, winner of several awards in the category of children's literature. What can I say about it? At the Faculty "Artes Liberales", we were all expected to produce children's literature of a kind or another; it was the genre of writing suiting our womanhood and pleasing the academic despot, great reader of Hugh Lofting, who ruled over us.
In the meanwhile, women with black umbrellas were flocking to manifestations. The system remained impermeable. I failed to write any children's literature. But since my research travel to Morocco in 2013 I used to follow the Amazigh linguistic and cultural revival, so I might eventually fit in the context; nonetheless it was mostly exploiting my "non-qualified" position that I spent a carefree week in London and, next year, another week in Leiden as a participant of workshops on dying languages organized in the framework of a TWINNING project. I sneaked into the library of the SOAS to make a quick search for some materials on Sufism, and in Leiden I got ready for my project on Adamic language that I was to continue in France. After all, the fascinating story of the search for the original tongue spoken in Paradise might be seen as a hidden paradigm of any linguistic revitalization, moved by the belief that some essential truths can only be expressed in a tongue we had left behind.
Speaking of languages, it may be curious to mention that a new lease of my polyglottism appeared, quite unexpectedly to myself, when I was already in my forties; perhaps it has something to do with the processes of maturation going on, as contemporary neuroscience advises, across all the expanse of human life. I did not plan to learn any more languages. Yet suddenly, during my travels, I noticed the appearance of an acute sense of linguistic humor that I did not possess before. Languages I did not know appeared to me as a constant parade of highly enjoyable puns, of course some of them more than other. Czech and Maltese became absolutely fabulous in my eyes, and I offered myself manuals and books in those languages for none other utility than sheer recreation. Many speakers of Polish may occasionally see Czech as a source of linguistic humor, but I became literally addicted to reading Victorian ghost stories in Czech translation in the bathroom; Maltese is roughly the equivalent for someone speaking both Arabic and Italian: irresistible. At the same time, I became more sensitive to eurhythmic and euphonic qualities of human speech, especially in Hindi, but curiously, also German, language with which I had been vaguely familiar for two or three decades without ever noticing its exquisite beauty. Or is it the effect of its new triangulation through Dutch?
Also the crucial breakthrough in my intellectual activity belongs to the Varsovian chapter, even if the academic context in which I was immersed had absolutely no hint of the potential of what I was pretending to achieve. Of course, I suppose it would be very hard for anyone anywhere in the academic world to discern a particular value in the mottle of ideas I started to produce. Be as it may, it was the crucial period when my personal stance in humanities slowly started to take shape, emerging throughout the frosty days in February 2012. For a while, I had focused on the intellectual development of the Islamic world and the emergence of the figure of Muslim intellectual. My trip to Turkey in the summer 2009 opened not only a series of excursions around the Mediterranean, but also led me to form a concept of travel that would become so important in my intellectual identity. In 2011 I went to Malaysia where I got interested in the writings of a Malay scholar Farish Noor; I have already mentioned a longer research stay in Morocco in 2013; I visited other crucial and less crucial places as well, including Guinea-Bissau in 2016. I joined the Polish Oriental Society to participate in the conferences organized by the association and publish some papers about those topics. 
Meanwhile, transcultural studies, in any sense of the term, were naturally very distant from the priorities of the Polish institutions, focused on the celebration of our "national humanities". On the other hand, at the official level, I was still considered as a specialist in Portuguese matters. This is why, once again, I saw myself realizing a research project on the "late style" in José Saramago, writer to whom I had already dedicated an extensive monograph in 2005. After several unsuccessful proposals of mine, the fact that I had previously studied that writer apparently justified further founding of the topic by the National Science Centre (NCN), even if Saramago fell definitely out of fashion soon after his death and the subsequent celebration. Anyway, somehow unwanted research project on Saramago, conceived out of sheer desperation, proved to be another apex in my undulating Lusitanist career. The approach I initially planned in the scope of this project was supposed to deal with the novels that Saramago wrote during the last years of his literary activity, presumably illustrating a particular aesthetic quality what Edward Said defined as “late style”: a sort of unreconciled wisdom achieved as a bitter fruit of an old age. Coming back to Said was yet another servitude due to the academic context delving in the spectral, uncanny eighties (the least I could do was to chose the posthumous book of the Palestinian intellectual). Anyway, the "late style" admitting neither synthesis nor harmony is to be found in Saramago, till his last Cain, even more violent and intransigent than his previous Gospel according to Jesus Christ.
This is how Imperium i nostalgia (Empire and Nostalgia) was born in 2015, a book in which the concept of "late style" is used to resume a certain stage in the evolution of the Portuguese cultural consciousness. The equivalent of an old age comes after the end of the colonial empire, as well as after the breakdown of the newfangled cultural projects such as Lusophony or a naively enthusiastic vision of the multicultural society. On the morrow of the last shipwreck in the Portuguese imperial history, a kind of bitter wisdom becomes available to writers and thinkers. Taking Saramago for a pretext, I also tried to make a first step toward the expression of my transcultural stance, defining the basic concepts in the introduction to this book.
In the meanwhile, evoking the alleged spirit of innovation advertised by the Faculty "Artes Liberales", I also managed to deliver some off-track seminars, such as the one on the metaphor of the desert and the one on the intellectuals as the pivotal figures of the global symbolic space. During the last year of my effective teaching at the University of Warsaw (2015/2016) I also realized a Ph.D. seminar "Towards transcultural humanities". My writings from this final period are collected in a small volume of essays, Humanistyka, która nadchodzi (The coming humanities) that I published in 2018 as a discreetly ironic farewell to the University of Warsaw. This is also how the transcultural approach to Juliusz Słowacki took shape, as I had joined the collective research project focusing on the study of his rediscovered travelogue from his journey to Egypt, Syria and Palestine. Together with some texts on Portugal and Guinea-Bissau that I wrote as the outcome of my stay in Lisbon in 2016-2017, and of course the big history of Portuguese literature, to be published by Ossolineum in 2019, these are probably my last contributions ever to be written in Polish.


XI.

The first twenty years of my academic career were connected to the two leading Polish universities. I deeply regret the dynamics of mutual disdain that have always existed between me and these institutions. It should have been otherwise. I have no feeling of having chosen this; on the contrary, I was longing for institutional integration, carrying on a tradition, continuity instead of disruption. I had those feelings especially for the Jagiellonian University. Yet the institutions refused to take me seriously. Certainly there must have been a part of my personal responsibility in this. I never really tried to become the part of the narrow elite of Polish scholars, publishing in "Teksty Drugie" and sticking close together; I was generally on quite cordial terms with such people as Ryszard Nycz or Tadeusz Sławek, but I was strangely keeping my distance as if a force were pushing me away. It could have been otherwise. I could have worn more formal clothes, created a more persuasive image, at least so as not to be taken for Ewa Łukaszyk's own daughter. I could have asserted my competence in any way. Why didn't I use the same enchantments, the same Polish spells to involve my own figure in a delusion of grandeur of some sort? There are so many traits in me coming quite close to Polish grandeur delusions: all those claims of reading books in twenty languages, all those aspirations of global literary studies, all those endeavors at theory-making. I could have been the greatest of charmers. But my constant hesitation, the habit of inquiring about myself, the self-doubt obliterated the effect of my magic. I left the stage for other charmers, and that is probably my crime against homeland; I fully deserved the curse of Ahasverus that is upon me, and all those wives of American colleagues to ask me during parties why I didn't fight for my country.
During all those years at the University of Warsaw, I was incapable of surrendering my intellectual future, as vague as it might have been for most of that time. I could not resign myself to the thought that a position at a Polish university would be all what I would get, even during the best years of the upward trend. I still lived in my tiny Cracovian apartment. My employment was not a permanent one and, contrary to my colleagues, I did not see the institution in terms of excellence; it was just a place to stay before finding my proper destiny somewhere abroad. On the other hand, the attitudes were fully reciprocated: the institution did not really work hard to persuade me to stay; politics of maintaining and stabilizing excellent members of the faculty was virtually non-existent; and of course, my track record deliberately overlooked, I have never been recognized as an excellent member of any body whatsoever.
​Finally, in 2016, thirteen years after my habilitation and having made a CV of over thirty single-spaced pages, I obtained a tenure and was to get a perpetual professorial title as well; I actually got it two years later. Nonetheless, the year 2016 marked my long announced and long delayed passage from the national to international humanities. How is it that, in spite of a delay stretching over a decade, the institutional answer to my activities came so late that it did not even stand a chance of finding me at home? Well, all what I have written above serves as an explanation; on the other hand, in 2016 I was still only 44 years old. This is the age when people usually achieve their habilitation, not the full professorship. Such a promotion might thus be seen as remarkable if referred to the local standards; the statistical average age of achieving the professorial title in Poland, for a female scholar, is 57. So mine was to come exceptionally early.
Early, yet too late. What can I say about it? In Poland, there exists an obvious inadequacy, a kind of time lag between the rhythms of development of an outstanding scholar and the institutional recognition. It had been noticed; I remember that, at a certain point, the target of accelerating the academic careers had been established. But what they tried to do was to make some young people engage directly into the Ph.D. without completing their master dissertations (sic!). Apparently, it had never crossed anybody's mind that outstanding female scholars might feel annoyed about being bogged in patriarchal or gerontocratic subalternities, and especially, that they might go as far as taking serious measures in order to channel their brains out of the country for this reason. Perhaps such a risk has been neglected simply because the international scholarship is an alien territory for a great majority of people that are usually seen as outstanding in Poland. As I look to the leading scholars who went abroad, I see very few success stories and a pronounced tendency towards falling back into the old contexts. We are still to see how long Ewa Łukaszyk will last out there. 
Anyway, the discussion on career rhythms of female scholars was to be cut brutally by a ministerial proposal of sending them all home at 60, five years earlier than their male colleagues, and with less than a half of their salaries; in my case, that might mean getting around 350 or 400€ a month to live on (sic!); my net monthly salary at the University of Warsaw never exceeded the equivalent of 1,100€. Honestly speaking, at a given moment, these monthly 1,100€ - less than minimum wage in any Western European country - simply stopped to appeal to me. I started to think about getting 4,250€ like everyone else. I mean, like any decent European scholar working as seriously as I've always done. And who would care about the academic excellence achieved by a woman? Certainly the nation would not be at loss getting rid of people like me. I just decided to facilitate things bringing my early resignation in. 

Coming close to the top of my academic career in Poland, my mood was thus far from triumphant, and the general context inspired no bright feelings. Certainly, some people did continue even more triumphant than ever (freezing in a pose of triumph became in fact a new strategy of survival). The rest of energy that remained in the academic milieus was consumed in an absurd struggle against serendipitous reforms, undoing the very progress so laboriously achieved across the previous two decades. But it was hard to overlook the falling darkness, as if we were to be cloaked in our own shadow raised from the ground. The worse qualities of the local scholarship - conventionality, anachronism, dilettantism - were to compose the new, national definition of academic excellence. It became a commonplace to repeat that the internationalisation failed, and in any case it would lead us nowhere. For most people it was a relief; at least they were not expected to publish in English any longer; a great majority have never learned the language. On the other hand, we have never managed to get out of an enchanted glass sphere separating us from everything what humanities are abroad. In one of the last Polish collective volumes to which I contributed, I could also find a text where one of my colleagues admitted that "it would be insolent to propose a new interpretation", while another was still aghast that in France "gender studies are taught in the classroom". 
On the other hand, the integration in the international context is far from natural for anybody coming from Polish academia. The level of competitiveness and seriousness expected contradicts the dilettantish and serendipitous manners that were accepted, even actively promoted in my native milieu. Certainly, the collective flaws were very much mine; that was precisely why it pained me. I felt anachronistic in many of my publications, angry and sorry for having been drawn into the vortex of the local debates. I felt dilettantish, confronted with international specialized scholarship. I experienced a great difficulty in retrieving my true, unaltered voice.
No wonder the passage costed me many failures and drawbacks. Well, "many failures" is a manner of speaking; I cannot consider myself very badly treated by the sponsoring institutions. Several opportunities have been denied to me; some of them I see as denied for my own good; for instance, such was the case of the Institut für die Wissenschaften vom Menschen in Vienna, kind of special place created for us, Eastern people. I would not fit there. More regrettably, I could not get a residency at NIAS, the institute of advanced studies in Amsterdam. Anyway, the serious failure was not to have missed the Humboldt in 2005, but to have renounced trying harder to get it. These ten years in Warsaw formed a parenthesis in my academic life; it might have been smoother, more efficient, continuous, linear. I woke up in mid-forties with a CV made chiefly of serendipity and disruptions.
Meanwhile, great universities, fabulous libraries and collections were tempting. And even more than that, the eventuality of meeting a different kind of people. In autumn 2016, I returned to my old Lisbon, still with the intention of finishing an unpublished volume; this work still kept me mentally in Poland. But the next year I went to France as a Marie-Curie fellow and spent a year in Tours, in a center for Renaissance studies, working on my project concerning the Adamic language, or more precisely, the idea of pre-cultural beginnings of the humanity. It was only in February 2018, after finishing some texts recklessly promised to various people, that I definitively stopped writing in Polish and took steps to dissociate from the Polish academic reality completely. 

It was from France that I deliberately came to submit my resignation. Having caught an economic flight from Paris to Warsaw, I entered a kiosk at the airport to buy two bus tickets to the city center. The blow came from the Gazeta Wyborcza's front page, disguised in a specific kind of black humor. The neo-Nazis from Poland and Germany made a pick-nick at the frontier to celebrate together the birthday of Adolf Hitler.
It was a glorious spring morning when I went to the Faculty "Artes Liberales" with my resignation, that I had already printed and signed in France to avoid any kind of surprise. And I simply left it on the secretary's desk. The very same day of my resignation I also received the copies of my Humanistyka, która nadchodzi, and I decided to distribute them, with a few words of farewell, among the key scholars of the country. I was slightly surprised to see that nearly all of them congratulated me on my resignation, as if they understood I was moving into something incomparably bigger and greater. Yet, on the phone, I had to explain myself to the ex-President of the Foundation for Polish Science. He asked me a bit harshly what was the precise reason for my leaving the University of Warsaw. I tried to explain I had no real choice. There was nothing in Warsaw for me to return to. In ten years of my employment there, the Faculty never managed to find a place for me, to let me do things for which I had been trained at a not inconsiderable expense (endorsed, among other, by the Foundation for Polish Science in question). At the University of Warsaw, I was doing all kinds of odd jobs. The last one that had been proposed to me was that of a manager of human/animal studies. Mainly administrative manager, with very little influence on the intellectually castrating turn the whole affair was taking. On the other hand, it was my humble yet persistent persuasion that a deliberate policy had been developed to create the general impression that I was a kind of non-specialized, mediocre person whose job was precisely to assist other, more prominent scholars and to sit listening in the hope I might eventually learn a deeper wisdom from them. My professor title changed very little; for that sort of people, a woman was an eternal minor; and they would be sincerely surprised if one day they learned about their personal responsibility in maintaining the country in its backward condition.
Apparently, the rules of the academic game were clear to everyone. There existed tables indicating the "points" that the researchers were supposed to win for publications, and for other things as well. It was said they should participate in the Horizon 2020 and win prestigious fellowships such as my Marie-Curie. It was said it would be highly appreciated and recognized. Meanwhile, I was reprimanded for my "absence", as if I were someone who simply failed to appear at the workplace. The logic behind it was very obvious. The rules are good as long as the serve to harass the female; if the female wins, it's time to change the rules. In the end, I was given an award, just as it had happened before, when I left the Jagiellonian University.
Both the current and the former dean of the Faculty "Artes Liberales" tried to persuade me to stay. For what was it supposed to mean, a low-ranking female just leaving like that? They honestly tried to make me see what a nonsense it was, all those ideas of mine to make research projects having for the sole objective the publication of some sort of BOOKS, the very word pronounced with a singular twist of their lips. After five thousand years of civilisation they proposed themselves to defend, we came to that. No more book burning, even; we were just to stop writing them. In a country where neo-Nazis used to organize pick-nicks and celebrate birthdays on the flowery banks of the Oder, the true harbinger of the doom was a dean of an "A+" faculty of the University of Warsaw.

The academic system I decided to abandon was to be ravaged only months later by the "reforms" of the government of "Law and Justice"; they practically put an end to academic autonomy. Nonetheless, the essential problems I have commented on had nothing to do with it; they were accumulating uninterruptedly since the early 1990s. We've never managed to see ourselves free from totalitarianism, as far as university was concerned. The same professors who made their careers in the 1960s, 1970s and 1980s were still present, still influential. They dictated not only the anachronistic content of our academic activities; they also preserved the old habits, the ways of treatment, the basic, patriarchal and gerontocratic structure of oppression, to be faithfully reproduced by their successors.
What I left behind were smouldering ruins. Ruins, to a certain degree, also of my own academic career, and more, of things I believed in and tried to work for. It was very late to ask myself who I truly wanted to become. I suppose my colleagues in the old country would be appalled to hear that what kept me alive was a little piece of poetry coming to me from a luminous age: مُنَايَ مِنَ الدُّنْيا عُلومٌ أَبُثُّهَا ... My fidelity to the ancient greatness of Islamic civilization, so unpopular in my country, proved to shine very bright, even more so at the moment of vital and intellectual crisis. Packing for Leiden, I retrieved and resigned myself to my Orientalist destiny.


XII.

I often wondered what happened with Ekalavya later on, after he offered his thumb as guru-dakshina to Drona. I suppose that even at that remote stage of Indian civilization, there must have been more conceivable knowledge and skill to be learned than just archery, and the shooting instructor was not the only, the last or the supreme guru. Did Ekalavya choose to abandon all of them, dedicating the rest of his life to a solitary quest? To a wisdom that could not be punished with any more wounds?
Certainly, there is an abundant tradition of interpreting that episode, going from exemplification of virtue to that of caste violence (in Mukherjee's Perishable Empire for instance), but the sequel of Ekalavya's story in the Mahabharata is frustrating. Without his thumb, he continued as an archer, although not as perfect as he might have been. Till he was finally vanquished. There was no way out of the caste system, no space behind it; the epos served precisely to justify and legitimize it.
​Ekalavya could not grow beyond his condition. But I chose to live in an open world. Born in a society of contempt, I decided to transcend the Joycean triad of silence, exile and cunning, to put dignity as my अर्थ, aim or vital purpose. I decided to settle, to belong, to express myself in a clear, unaltered voice. Auf freiem Grund mit freiem Volke stehen. Perhaps not without the Faustian suggestion, I chose a privileged place for my home, the Netherlands, a country of bourgeois respectability and so many refugee scholars like myself. The official date of my immigration was November 5th, 2018. 

And this is where the story of the four apocalyptic riders ends.